I'm Done

It's 2 in the morning and I'm done. I'm severring all ties. I am no longer talking. I'm finished with all things. I'm not doing it anymore.

Don't expect me to talk to you because I won't. No matter who you may be. I won't. Because I feel it is what has to be done. And maybe it's not what has to be done. But that's the way I'm thinking.

So I'm done. I don't know for how long. I'm just done. with everything. See you when I'm ready.

Song of the moment: Benjamin-Sanctus Real

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young
1 Timoth 4:12

I am Obviously a Mess

So I'm sitting here. And I don't actually know what I'm going to say today. The other day I was going to right a blog about change. But i never got to it. I had a song and everything. But the moment passed. And now i feel as if i have something to say. I just don't know what it is. I've had so much on my mind lately but i haven't been able to put it into words.

I guess for starters I'm going to say how bummed I was yesterday. Yesterday i wrote 2 exams. And then I cleaned out my locker. Which always makes me sad. Because that really means the year is over. And that means i have to live through yet another summer alone and then go back to school. Grade 11. and then in a year I'm going to have to clean out the locker all over again. And then I'm going to be in Grade 12. And I'm going to have to know what I want in my life. And as of right now I haven't the faintest clue.

People expect me to know what I want and how I feel and what I want in my life. But I don't know. And the thing is they'll keep asking me until I know. And I don't know when I'll know all the answer. I don't know if I'll ever get all the answers. For at least 3 months now I have been praying my little heart out. I've been praying for the answers. Not for the guidance to get the answers. All I've wanted is the answers handed to be as clear as they can be on a plate. But it doesn't seem to be working. Its been 3 months and I haven't gotten anything yet. Not one answer to one question. And obviously God wants me to wait and that's cool. I just have to convince my brain of that.

And now that I've said that I have something else to admit. I miss my brother. In the last couple days songs about home have just been popping out at me. The first was This Is Home by Switchfoot. And then there was Comin' Home by City and Colour. And now of all things I'm listening to Michael Buble with Home. And seriously the more I hear them the more I miss him. Because he's gone for a good 6 or 7 months.

But the question is what is home. Back in the day I used to watch Madeline. And there was this song called Home Is Where The Heart Is. And i used to sing it all the time. Having your parents divorced gives you 2 homes because your heart is in 2 different places. And what about that piece of my heart thats at my school. I grew up there. It's my home away from home.

So how the heck are we supposed to figure out where we belong in our lives. The weeks when I go to Hope for church Pastor Hursch always says "Go and live your lifes purpose" and every week I wonder what my lifes purpose is. Whenever he says that I just feel like yelling and saying "What if we don't know what that is?" How am I supposed to live out my lifes purpose if I don't know what it is. How am I supposed to live my purpose if I'm to scared to make decisions that will help me figure out my purpose.

I am scared of my life. I am scared to make difficult decisions. Because I always want to make sure its the right one and again I'm back waiting for answers. I don't like to make difficult decisions. I don't like the idea of it. Ask me something easy and it might even take me a couple seconds to decide. So I'm kind of stuck leaving people hanging for my answers that I'm waiting for.

So pretty much this blog has been all over the place. I started with having nothing to say, to not knowing about the future, to looking at peoples expectations of me, to missing my brother, to where home is, to lifes purpose, to being afraid of life. That to me sounds like I've suppressed way to many blogs in the past couple of weeks. Sorry about the mess. But I'm a mess.

Song of the Moment: Take This To Heart by Mayday Parade...talk about getting lucky and finding this song. It's got a little bit of everything in it.

Don't let anyone look down one you because you are young.
1 Timothy 4:12

Music is what Feelings Sound like

The Way Worry Changes You

Yesterday I was going to write a blog about worrying but never got the time to do it. I was going to say how i listened to the whole sermon yesterday no zoning out or anything. Because i was really intrigued. How I realised i should stop worrying about everything going on and just live. How I wasn't going to worry about the next month or what's going to happen next year or anything. I was done with worrying. And I was happy about it.

~

But things have changed since yesterday. Yes, I'm still not worrying. But that's because I don't care anymore. Let's just say right now I'm in a situation. Somebody doesn't believe a word that is coming out of my mouth. And that's not my problem. That's the other persons. And what this person really doesn't realise is I'm starting to get annoyed.

~

Why? Why am I mad? Because I am continuosly told I'm lying...and I'm not. Because this person is taking things just a little bit to far. Because this person is blaming things on me that I did not do.

~

So I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I used to care about what I did so this person didn't take it too far. But I don't care anymore. And i used to care what she thought about the stuff that I do in my life. But I don't anymore.

~

And now I'm going to qoute the oh-so wise words of Relient K before I go any farther:

No, I don't hate you

don't want to fight you

know I'll always love you

but right now I just don't like you.

........

I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge

I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge

I think you know what I'm getting at

you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that

~

So, while i'm slightly mad now. I don't hate you. And I'll get over it. But first you have to get over yourself. Open your eyes and your ears. And listen. Just listen to what I'm trying to say. Stop only hearing what it is you want to know. STOP WORRYING. I'm not lying to you. I'm telling you the truth. And I will continue to.

Just trust me on this ok. You're ruining yourself with all this worry. You've wasted months of your time worrying. And if you had just listened to what I had say you wouldn't have.

~

Ok....so I'm mad but I'm not mad. And I do love you....that's why things have happened the way they have....but you don't know what's actually happened because you won't listen.

~

So If you would like to continue to think what you're thinking go right ahead. Because I'm not worrying about it anymore. If you want to know what's really going on...just listen to what I'm saying and not what you're thinking.

~

So. Point of this whole blog.

1. Stop worrying about everything

2. Always listen to what others have to say and don't just guess

3. Relient K is the wisest band in the whole entire world

~

Song of the Moment: Which To Bury; Us Or The Hatchet? by Relient K. 'Nough said

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Don't let others look down on you because you are young

1 Timothy 4:12

~

Music is what feelings sound like

~

World Spins Madly On

So here I am....sitting happy as could be...And it hits me...I only have 26 days left of school. 26 days. That's it. And then i go on mission trip and i come home and it's all over. The year will be over. And it makes me sad.

Why does it make me sad? Because this year was a good year. And yes...some stuff has gone down. And yes...i'd say that this year has been very emotionally exhausting but I think that it's been worth it. It's been worth all the stress and the worry and the crap that I've put up with. It's been worth it all. Because the good times this year....have been great. I think without all the crap the good times wouldn't have been as good. They would have just been mediocre.

But it also makes me start to think about next year. What's it going to be like next year. I have friends that are graduating...I finally get the school all to myself. The Moffett name is mine and mine alone. I don't have anyone to share it with anymore. It's mine. It's going to be weird. Once you're past about the first 2 monts of school you have your comfort zone. Everyone is comfortable...and then comes the summer and messes everything up and you have to remake it all over again.

I also don't think I'm going to make it through next year knowing that after it will come gr. 12. And i don't think I'm ready for that. I don't want to figure out what I want to do in life. I don't want to worry about where I'm going to go to school. I don't want to have to worry about scholarships, and loans, and applying for university. I don't want to. I would love it if time could stand still right now in these very moments. These moments when I'm happy. I am happy right now...and I would like it to stick just a little bit more.

So, while the world rushes forwards. I would love to just stand here and watch it go. And maybe keep my friends with me and our good times. I don't want to have to grow up. This year I already grew...and I would like to be done growing because i don't like the growing pains. The ones are bound to get worse.

So, while all you go forward. I'll be here. In the now. In the happy. And I'll watch all of you continue to grow. And I wish i could just watch...and not have to feel all those pains that come with the growing. I'm done with those. I would love to be done with all of this. But that's not possible. I guess I'll have to live like everybody else.

One step at a time.

Song of the Day: World Spins Madly On by The Weepies...The whole world is moving...and I'm standing still.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young.

1 Timothy 4 :12

Music is what feelings sound like...♥

Similarities...?

So my oldest brother has a blog. And i check it semi-often to see what's happening in his life. Being that he lives out of the province and isn't the best at giving a call or sending an e-mail i've become used to reading his blog. Just so that i can get a glimpse into how he is...what's happening in his life...and what he may be holding out on telling us here at home.

I always learn new things from his blogs. It used to be just funny stuff he did with his buddies. But lately he's been baring his soul. Or close to it I'd assume. And lately....it seems like we've been on the same wave length. Like both of us are standing on that crazy island i like to call Confusion. Who can we trust? Who are our real friends? What's really going on in our lives? How do I get off this freaking island?

And I personally can't seem to figure it out. I'm pretty darn stuck. And have been for a while. And i'm pretty sure he's been stuck for a while too.

I'm beginning to realise that we had more in common than i thought we did. Before it was just our taste in music....and the way we act. But now I've realised...it's also what we keep inside. I don't tell people how i feel. And i'm just trying to find someone I can talk to...but it's hard to find someone you can truly trust with everything. And I think that i'm slowly getting closer. And my brother....well it sounds as if he's got someone...but might be losing that person...or something along those lines.

So what are we supposed to do? Keep going it alone? Maybe...or maybe not. The truth is I don't really know where this is going. I really don't. I'm just moving my fingers and watching as they type these words across the screne. Trying to figure it all out.

And so....maybe I'll end this. On a neverending thought....that i may never figure it out. But I'm just going to say...Eric if you read this. Remember....I love you. And i'm always willing to talk. And even though i'm only 15 and you're 21...I can still try. And I am a really good listener. And hey...we're flesh and blood...and that beats everything else as far as i can tell

I LOVE YOU ♥

Song of the Day: To Sputnik With Love by QSarah...There will be times when you're feeling all alone but please don't forget you're never far from home...I LOVE YOU

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young

1 Timothy 4:12

Music is what feelings sound like...so loose yourself in it

[if anyone is interested/actually read my blog my brothers blog is muffinsrsweet.blogspot.com]

Unfolding

Everything is new to me. For some reason everything is changing. I didn't plan on it happening. Not for a long time. I didn't plan on myself breaking like this.You see I keep everything inside. I don't tell people how i feel. I don't let people in easily. I don't think that in the past year and a half...maybe more....i've let anyone in. Which is why this is new to me. I'm finally doing it. And no not completely that's quite a large step and I don't know if I'm ready to take it yet. But this person...this person who I've actually told how i felt when i felt it...must be special.

As I sit here I'm listening to music. The music thats gotten me through it all. The music thats been my only friend for such a long time. The music thats written by complete strangers...yet they still know me better than anyone else.But now my music is coming to life. Its not just fiction. It's starting to come out in my life. One song in particular actually. I'm scared to death by what I've started to do. But i think that i'll make it.

Also...as a side note. To the person whose listening. Thankyou. And I know I've told you this before...but i feel as if it needs to be said a million times. You have no idea what you've done. So again...Thankyou.

Song of the moment: Unfold by Marie Digby...she wrote a biography

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young

1 Timothy 4:12

Music is what feelings sound like

There Is No Room For Doubt

Today i was sitting in Church. It's easter Sunday and I know it's not going to be a good one because i have to work from 3-11. But i wasn't going to think about that stuff then. Not during church. It was time for me to thank and praise Jesus for what he did. I zoned out though just a little. Thinking about my current circumstances and problems. I realised that i had missed the Epistle reading. I looked in my bulletin to see what it was. It was Collosians 3:1-4. Well it's not long at all so i decided to read it for myself. "1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." hmm. I decided to go back to the very beginning of Collosians.

I was reading and reading and reading. I got caught up in it. And then something else caught my attention. Pastor Winger had said something. "There is no room for doubt." Those were his words. I immediately closed my Bible and started to listen to the rest of the sermon. And while not the rest of the sermon seemed to relate that phrase got me.

You see, lately i've been doubting. I haven't known what to do or how to say it. Until 3 days ago. It was Thursday night. I decided how i felt. No matter if i wanted to deny it or not. I wasn't happy and I knew exactly why. I was mad. And while i didn't want to tell the person I did. And now i feel so much better because i knew if I didn't say what I said things would have happened and i woldn't be able to control it anymore.

So now after hearing that this morning in church. I have a new light on things. I can't allow myself to do things I'm not sure about. I have to figure out what it is I want. And when i figure out what i want I have to pursue it. And i have to stay away from what I don't want. And it's not about what I want. And it's not about what my friends want. And it's not about what my parents want. It's about what God wants for me. God guides along the right path. And what I want is to stay on that path.

Song of the day: Gravity by Sara Bareilles...something always brings me back to you

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young

1 Timoth 4:12