I'll Be Here

I've always been really bad at staying connected with people. Friends have been constantly leaving my school since grade 3 and we've always said we've stayed friends...but 90% of the time we don't. And even the ones I am still friends with it's nothing like it used to be.

I would say I blame myself. I seldom picked up the phone or sent an e-mail. But neither did they. This is just the way it has always seemed to go with me.

But lately I've been realising how much I miss all my friends. Really old, old, and fairly new. I miss them. It's not the same with out them. My new friends are nice...but they're much different then my old ones. They don't break out into song. Or mock our teachers. Or can have conversations with just facial expressions. I miss having that everday.

But guys. I'm still here. It doesn't matter who you are I'll always be your friend. I'm not one to give up on a person. If it ended badly, I hold no grudges. If anyone else is feeling a little lonely or sentimental, I'll keep you company and reflect on old times with you. I'll be here if no one else will listen. I'll always be sitting right here. No matter who you are.

Song of the moment: If No One Will Listen by Kelly Clarkson

Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Place Your Life Before God

So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

I'm speaking to you out of deep gratitude for all that God has given me, and especially as I have responsibilities in relation to you. Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him.

In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we're talking about is Christ's body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn't amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.

Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they're happy; share tears when they're down. Get along with each other; don't be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don't be the great somebody.

Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it."

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Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he's thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don't let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

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Romans 12 (The Message)

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Song of the moment: Our God Saves by Paul Baloche

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b35E8zzASk

The Door

They say that when one door closes another door opens. I seemed to hear that a lot over the past 6 months or so. I didn't believe them. I wanted to...I said I did....but I didn't. That's different now. I believe it now.

Everything happens for a reason. I trust God. He's got a plan for me and I really need to learn just how to trust Him. I'm trying not to forget that.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Song of the moment: How You Live (Turn Up The Music) by Point Of Grace
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Q2R0FBZt3U

I Won't Lose It.

Lately there has been a certain song I wait to come on the radio. And when it doesn't I put it on myself. This song empowers me. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one. It makes me dance and sing along and raise my hands in the air. This is one powerful song.

This song is based on Mark 16:26 "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"

For quite a while now I have felt myself changing. I look at everything differently now. I pray differently now. I act differently. These are all good changes, no doubt about that, no matter what others might think.

I'm different. I really feel differen't. I feel closer to God. I feel like I am pleasing him with this change. Maybe I'm just telling myself that, but I don't think so.

I like this change. I'm not usually the biggest fan of change but I am really liking this one. This is a change I am enjoying and wanting to continue. I would take this change everyday....which is saying a lot coming from me.

The first day I heard the powerful song was a Saturday. It was the day after I heard someone talk about being in the world and not of the world. I thought it was crazy that I heard this song just the day afterward. I don't think it was any coincidence. God made the Earth perfect. He did not make the sin. He does not like the sin. So, I'm going to try my hardest to stay away from the earthly temptation. I've lost the battle a few times but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying.

I am trying to be in the world not of the world. And I pray that God will forgive me when I am of it.

Thank you.

Song of the Moment: Lose My Soul by TobyMac
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJ1p1ltofOQ

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

It's Really Over

Tonight I sit here, for the first time, accepting that it is really over. My life is going to take a giant turn right now...I'm not really sure what is going to be the same.

Tonight out of curiousity and boredom I wandered to my school website. It told me that they were closing their doors and selling all their stuff. I knew it was happening, but it was kind of a kick in the gut. Now it's really done. I've been done school for over 2 weeks....my last school function was a week ago...and it's officially over. I am about to venture to a new school with new people and teachers and new everything.

I don't get to see my friends everyday. I don't get to walk to Subway at lunch. I don't get to go to the park. I don't get to waste as much time as I want before class. I don't get to know my teachers. I don't get what I've had for 12 years.

Today, as I sit in my house all alone, I realise that it is over. and it really hurts. Will I get over it? Yes. Eventually. This isn't the kind of pain that Rolos will fix as much as I'd like them too.

Lately I've been really good. I've been happy and moving on. But I guess sometimes you need a night. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be happy. I don't want to be sad and bummy and sometimes it's really hard not to be.

I am strong. And if I'm not I know I can be. I will be. Everything that is happening is happening for a reason. A reason I hope to soon find out. Every night I pray for strength for myself and my friends. I pray that God will keep us strong in this difficult time and that he will guide on the right path. I guess for now that's all we can do.

Song of the moment: Already Over by RED
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSJPCdafnLo

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young.
1 Timothy 4:12

I Surrender.

Recently, something not good has happened. I don't want to say bad because I don't know that. And maybe it is good...it's just that hidden kind of good...it just doesn't seem like that yet.

My school is having troubles. The school that I've been attending for 12 years but have been at my entire life due to my older siblings. This school is my home. It is my family. And if it were to close (which I pray it doesn't) it will seem like someone has died. Which is quite the metaphor, I know. But when you've had these people around you for all of your life...and all of a sudden they're just gone...it's not the best.

On Sunday there was a meeting. In which, I cried twice and had tears in my eyes the rest of the time. People there didn't seem to get it. So many of them seemed to have no hope left. It seemed as if there were many who had given up. But I can assure you I will not give up.

It's been about 56 hours since the meeting. And I'm not better quite yet. I had to work right after the meeting on Sunday for 8 hours. The first thing I did when I got there was ask to be on coffee so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone...I made it 6 hours without interaction. I was still really upset Sunday when I got home. I showered, got in bed, and of course had a good cry. I don't know when I'll go to bed without a good cry. It'll probably take a long time.

I don't really like to talk about it...because when I talk about it, I get upset, and when I get upset I cry. I didn't want to go to school today because I thought everyone would be talking about it. There was little conversation on the topic (thank goodness)...or at least when I was around. I really haven't talked about it at all...because no one has asked.

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

That is an excerpt from a song I found Sunday afternoon. It's true. A part of me thinks that this is how I need to look at everything. Obviously God knows what He is doing. He has brought this school through it's problems and He can bring it through this. They've never been this bad...but I know that really bad things can turn into really amazing things. I am willing to wait and see what He will bring me. When one door closes another one opens. Just because a building is gone doesn't mean the school is gone too. Just because someone says something is going to happen doesn't mean it's going to happen. Don't believe everything you hear.

Now will be the time of gossip and rumours. I've done this before. I know how it goes. And I know I shouldn't listen to a word of it. And I know I won't be spreading a word of it either. I will be saying what I believe in. And I believe in my school. I believe that it will grow and prosper. I believe that God's hand has always been holding it keeping it safe. I believe that I will graduate from Christ Lutheran School. I believe that I will send my own children there. However, I believe that if God decides not to do any of this...I'll survive and that He has a bigger better plan.

I'm not giving up. I am surrendering myself to God's plan becaues that's all I can do. I encourage everyone to do the same thing.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young.
1 Timothy 4:12

Song of the moment: Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real....I encourage everyone to listen, and I mean really listen, to this song. Here's a link to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06AgY5Xoavw

Music is what feelings sound like.....

Not FOR...BECAUSE

So for the past 4 or 5 days I've felt as if there has been a blog stuck inside of me. There's been moments when I've had a hit of inspiration but then lost it once it was time. And this feeling is too overwhelming now. I know what I would like to say. I know what I'm thinking. It's just time to figure it all out.

So to begin. 3 nights ago I was laying in bed thinking. Thinking about things that have been said to me in the last week. Obviously the week has been filled with family gatherings. I've seen aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and friends. People I haven't seen in a while. And this time was different. They were all different. They were the same....but it was all just different.

Lately the swearing...the potty mouths have been bothering me. The inappropriate things that don't really need to be said or seen. The things that some find funny are not in the least. I've been mildly uncomfortable. And I've been saying things. You drop an F-bomb I say "excuse me?" or "What's that? You'll kick my ass? But I don't have a donkey." I've been trying to show my discomfort...show that I don't appreciate it....and don't really want to put up with it. I'm sorry but words like that aren't needed.

But I'm not here to talk about how people are stupid for saying/doing some of the things they say/do. I'm here because of what people say after I point these unnecessary things out to them. Things like "Beth, I know why you're changing." or "You're putting on quite the act tonight." I've been told I'm changing. But is that a terrible thing? Is it a terrible thing that I don't appreciate crap like this? Is this a bad thing? I know I've been raised with this stuff....but it's about time one of us realised what it is we're doing here. What exactly is inappropriate about this stuff.

I've slowly been trying to zone out some of this stuff. A month and a half ago I went through my iTunes playlist and deleted all but 2 songs with the F-bomb. And surprising there were quite a few. And i kept only 2 for their own reasons. The first because this song is so beautiful and magical that i can't get rid of it...the rest of it is soo good...if it wasn't for that one word it would be pure magic. The 2nd is so uplifting and powerful and has such meaning that that word is so low on the list. And it may sound stupid...and maybe it is....but I just can't bring myself to delete them. I've also been trying to watch less of the crap on TV. No more random episodes of South Park with my brother...or anything that's complete crap for that matter.

So yes, I've changed. But here is what I've been trying to say for this whole long crazy blog. It's not me changing FOR a person...it's me changing BECAUSE of a person. those are 2 very different things. No one is making me change. No one is making me do the things I'm doing. I'm not being held up at gun point here. I'm doing this because I want to. It's called having good influences. It's called hanging out with good people. Good friends.

I realised this on Tuesday night while I was in my bed praying. I've known that I've been changing....and I always knew it wasn't FOR a person. but I do know it is BECAUSE of a person. it is BECAUSE of people who have had a good influence on my life. I'm sorry that I don't want to swear anymore. I'm sorry that I don't want to watch inappropriate things anymore. I'm sorry that I won't listen to crap anymore. But I'm not sorry that I've been spending time with the people I've been spending time.

I encourage everyone who actually reads my blog to do the same. We need to give up on this crap now. we shouldn't be encouraging the behaviour that these people put on TV and on our iPods for entertainment.

Everybody has their flaws. Everybody has their problems. Those things that you think you need. But you don't. I know that if you tried you could fix your flaws. There's hope for everyone. I won't judge you for what you've done...that's not my job. That's God's. And I'm sure that He'll give you a 2nd and 3rd and 4th and a millionth chance. I have no doubt in my mind. All you have to do is ask for the chance.

Song of the moment: Hope For Every Fallen Man-Relient K......to pick themselves up when they think they can

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young.
1 Timothy 4:12