So I'm sitting here. And I don't actually know what I'm going to say today. The other day I was going to right a blog about change. But i never got to it. I had a song and everything. But the moment passed. And now i feel as if i have something to say. I just don't know what it is. I've had so much on my mind lately but i haven't been able to put it into words.
I guess for starters I'm going to say how bummed I was yesterday. Yesterday i wrote 2 exams. And then I cleaned out my locker. Which always makes me sad. Because that really means the year is over. And that means i have to live through yet another summer alone and then go back to school. Grade 11. and then in a year I'm going to have to clean out the locker all over again. And then I'm going to be in Grade 12. And I'm going to have to know what I want in my life. And as of right now I haven't the faintest clue.
People expect me to know what I want and how I feel and what I want in my life. But I don't know. And the thing is they'll keep asking me until I know. And I don't know when I'll know all the answer. I don't know if I'll ever get all the answers. For at least 3 months now I have been praying my little heart out. I've been praying for the answers. Not for the guidance to get the answers. All I've wanted is the answers handed to be as clear as they can be on a plate. But it doesn't seem to be working. Its been 3 months and I haven't gotten anything yet. Not one answer to one question. And obviously God wants me to wait and that's cool. I just have to convince my brain of that.
And now that I've said that I have something else to admit. I miss my brother. In the last couple days songs about home have just been popping out at me. The first was This Is Home by Switchfoot. And then there was Comin' Home by City and Colour. And now of all things I'm listening to Michael Buble with Home. And seriously the more I hear them the more I miss him. Because he's gone for a good 6 or 7 months.
But the question is what is home. Back in the day I used to watch Madeline. And there was this song called Home Is Where The Heart Is. And i used to sing it all the time. Having your parents divorced gives you 2 homes because your heart is in 2 different places. And what about that piece of my heart thats at my school. I grew up there. It's my home away from home.
So how the heck are we supposed to figure out where we belong in our lives. The weeks when I go to Hope for church Pastor Hursch always says "Go and live your lifes purpose" and every week I wonder what my lifes purpose is. Whenever he says that I just feel like yelling and saying "What if we don't know what that is?" How am I supposed to live out my lifes purpose if I don't know what it is. How am I supposed to live my purpose if I'm to scared to make decisions that will help me figure out my purpose.
I am scared of my life. I am scared to make difficult decisions. Because I always want to make sure its the right one and again I'm back waiting for answers. I don't like to make difficult decisions. I don't like the idea of it. Ask me something easy and it might even take me a couple seconds to decide. So I'm kind of stuck leaving people hanging for my answers that I'm waiting for.
So pretty much this blog has been all over the place. I started with having nothing to say, to not knowing about the future, to looking at peoples expectations of me, to missing my brother, to where home is, to lifes purpose, to being afraid of life. That to me sounds like I've suppressed way to many blogs in the past couple of weeks. Sorry about the mess. But I'm a mess.
Song of the Moment: Take This To Heart by Mayday Parade...talk about getting lucky and finding this song. It's got a little bit of everything in it.
Don't let anyone look down one you because you are young.
1 Timothy 4:12
Music is what Feelings Sound like
