Fearless?

The other day I actually learned something in school. We were discussing what to do with problem behaviours when you are working with a group. One of those behaviours was anger and my teacher pointed out that underneath anger their is always fear.

I've been thinking about that: Under anger their is always fear. Lately I have had some anger, so I wonder, am I actually afraid? Am I using anger to cover up fears I may have in my life? I don't know. So I have decided to made a list:

Things Beth is afraid of:
1. Getting hurt. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am quite a wimp. Usually I am not afraid of whatever I am about to do, I am afraid of getting hurt while doing it.
2. Missing the bus. I always panic about not getting on my bus and then being late for whatever I am going to. If the sign says the bus will come at 12:14 and it's 12:17 I will start to freak out.
3. Ants. *shudder* They are disgusting. They crawl in your food and are just plain ugly. Gah...I hate them.
4. Dogs. I just don't like them. Actually, I really don't like holding or playing with any kind of furry pet-like animal. Someday I would like to have my very own fish though :)
5. Getting lost. I have a terrible sense of direction. And I'm not talking lost in an unknown city. It's even worse than lost in a grocery store. I am afraid of getting lost going to the bathroom or coming back while in a restaurant. It's just awful.
6. Telling people how I feel. This is something I have struggled with for a very long time. If something's wrong, I probably won't tell you and if I do it was definitely a terrifying experience for me. Why? I'm actually not 100% sure.
7. I am afraid I won't find my purpose in life. School is great and I am loving it, but what if it turns out to be wrong? Or what if I have gone into a profession that is completely opposite of whatever it is I am supposed to do?
8. Never getting married. All I've ever wanted is to get married and have my own family, but what happens if I never get it? What if God decides that just isn't right for me? What if I just completely miss my chance? What if all I have been living for in my life crumbles under my feet?

So, do my fears have anything to do with my anger? Yes. What an experiment that was. Fears 7 and 8 have really been getting to me lately. I've been holding in anger I should not be. I know I really shouldn't have fears about anything on that list. I know God will keep me from unnecessary harm. I know that in the end I'll end up wherever He wants me to be but it really gets to me. I am being impatient and silly, I know that. I'm 18, God willing I have a lot of life left to live.

Another fear I have: I am going to go back into that time of hurt, anger and confusion I was in 2 and half years ago. That difficult time in my life lasted about 7 months and it was awful. I don't want to feel like that again. I guess what I should be thinking about is how last time I was extremely happy for almost 2 years after that 7 month down. But honestly, I don't like those statistics. 24 good months after 7 bad ones?

I know I should have no fear. I should set them aside and just trust God in everything He is doing in my life. I should trust Him. I do trust Him. But it seems like I have a lot more trusting to do.

God, I know You will give me everything I need. I now that You have my best interest in mind when You do what You do in my life. I know that if I wait patiently You will give me the answers that I need. I ask that You would give me the gift of patience in this time of struggle. I ask that You would take this anger out of my heart. I ask that You will also remove the fears that are placed beside the anger. I pray that with Your help I can become fearless of everything this world throws at me. Amen.

Song of the Moment: Fearless by Colbie Callait (It's really not the right context as to where I took this blog...but I started with it so I'll finish with it.)

Don't let others look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Dear God,

I'm lost. I'm lost and I don't know where to go or what to do. I'd really appreciate some answers. I'd also appreciate some really large road signs marking the directions I am supposed to follow.
Sincerely,
Lost and (wanting to be) found

Song of the moment: There Was No Thief by Relient K...here are the lyrics http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/relientk/therewasnothief.html read 'em and weep. No, seriously, that's what I do.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Just What I Needed

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
and earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73: 21-26

Song of the Moment: It actually isn't a song today. Here is the brilliant Rob Bell. Inspiring. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IinYDR92gBM (thank you for showing me this Danielle).

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Thankful?

So I sit here on Thanksgiving Monday of 2010 after the hardest thanksgiving I have had in years. After the loneliest thanksgiving in years.

As I stood on the beach on Saturday night after my walk, Sufficient (Jennifer Jade Kerr) playing in my ears, I watched the sky turn dark. I stood there feeling the loneliest I have felt in a very long time. I stood and stared. I couldn't move; I didn't want to. And all I wanted was someone, anyone, to come and put their arm around me and give me a hug. Anyone would have done the trick, even a stranger. That is just how desperately lonely I was.

I walked up the beach and through the roads on the annual thanksgiving walk, surrounded by almost twenty people but still unbelievably lonely. I sat down to a delicious meal yesterday night with about 15 other people but still felt like I was sitting there all alone. This is not to say I wasn't in good company, because I was. My family is great; their was just something missing.

In the past I have had a peace at thanksgiving. I had many things to be thankful for and it would be all I could think about. This year I have a gaping hole of uncertainty. This hole has consumed me for months now. I would love to get rid of it. To fill it. I am just not sure how to do that right now. Well, I think I do, but right now I am not trusting my own instincts: I am trusting God's.

Anyways, that is enough of that. Onto the positive. What am I thankful for this year? It seems like a tricky question right now but I have to answer it in order to give me some pep. So here it goes:
1. I am thankful that school is going well. College seemed like a really scary thing but I am surviving. Actually, not only that, but I thought I would be really stressed and I am not. It takes a lot to get me stressed and I thought college would do it...it hasn't. So I thank God for bringing me to this school. I also thank Him for my easygoing, unstressed nature.
2. I am thankful for the courage God has given me. The courage I have needed to put myself out there and do what I wanted without the fear of what people may think of me. It feels good. :)
3. I am thankful for the friends who have supported me the past few months. Without you I may still be curled up in my bed eating ice cream 24/7.
4. I am thankful for ice cream. It's good stuff.

I can't think of anything else but I think my list will suffice. It is not quite what it was 2 years ago, but right now life is not quite what it was 2 years ago.

Song of the Moment: Need You Know by Lady Antebellum (This song came on the radio yesterday while I was playing cards. It was yet another reminder of the hole that I have.)

Do not let others look down on you because you are young, but set and example for the unbelievers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

New Look, New Me

Lately I have been sad and bummy to an unhealthy extent. Not only have I realized this but my friends have noticed this as well. That is how I know that this is bad: my friends have noticed. Usually I am much better at hiding these things. So, today is the day for change.

First off, in the past my blog has been dark and depressing. Even with what I thought were Happy Yellow titles. Those just were not cutting it. So, what is better then daisies. I love Daisies. "Don't you think they are the friendliest flower?" (You've Got Mail...wonderful movie). Now when you read this you can be uplifted by the happy daisy even if I am in one of my moods.

Speaking of my moods, I plan to have less of them. I am usually the optimist in life. Time to bring out. Let it shine. Like the sun! And the sun is a very happy thing, so that will work.

My brother wrote a blog yesterday (muffinsrsweet.blogspot.com) that got me thinking. He reflected over the past 5 years. What he wanted then and what he has now. 5 years ago he was 18, just like I am now. So, here it is, kind of my mini time capsule of what I want in 5 years:

School: Done at Conestoga. Maybe on to something else, but honestly by the time I am 23 I want to be working and making money to save up for.....
Relationship: The amazing boy/man I am going to marry. (so that money is for the wedding). Ever since grade 7 I have been saying I want to be married by the time I am 23. Yes, I know, you think I am crazy. So did Mrs. Marshall when I told her as my 12 year old self. So do most people. But that is just fine with me. That gives me plenty of time to have babies and then they can have babies and I will be a grandmother and hopefully a great-grandmother!! Oh the dreams I have. Now, let me be clear and say that I will not rush anything. If I am getting married, trust me, I know I should be getting married. If I am 23 and still single I will not run out into the street and marry the first guy I see. Don't worry. I've got it covered.
Job: I want something that has to do with working with youth. In what aspect I am not really sure, but right now that is my dream.
Dream: My dream has always been married with kids, living in a house with a porch and swing in a small town and a red dodge caravan parked in my garage. *sigh* I can't wait.

So hopefully that will be me in 5 years. Another thing to keep in mind, something I have been reminding myself a lot about lately: Not my plan, but God's plan. I think I have a great plan but maybe He doesn't think it's the greatest for me. Only time will tell. Right now, honestly, the best I can do is live a day at a time. Or maybe a week at a time.

But just you keep reminding yourself of that. Not your plan, but God's. Maybe you have the right plan, it's just 15 years to early. In this case: In God's time, not yours. Be patient and He will give you what you need. God may work in mysterious ways, but His way is the best way.

Song of the Moment: My Savior, My God by Jennifer Jade Kerr (Honestly, this woman is amazing. You should listen to her. She is so honest and sings of such truth it is just amazing. I love her. Thank you God for Jennifer Jade Kerr. Seriously.)

Do not let others look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12