Chapter 5: Sunshine

God is good. That is all I have been saying the past 20 hours. God is good. He has answered my prayers. He is so good.

I am feeling really good right now. I have officially ended a chapter in my life. One of the best chapters in the Book of Beth. It had a bit of a tragic ending. The kind that when you read it you get mad at the author because that isn't what you wanted to happen, but then when you keep reading you find out why the author but in the tragedy: because something so much better came out of the tragedy. It was a happy ending all along. You just had to keep reading to find the good in all the bad.

Today I wandered my room, gathering memories and shedding my last tears over my ended chapter. It was the weirdest feeling putting everything in a box in my closet and shutting the door.

Three years ago Sunshine came into my life. It shed it's light on dark places in my life and made them bright. It taught me how to see life in a new way. It helped shed light on the path God wanted me to follow. The Sunshine helped me feel better when my days were dark and stormy and stood beside me on some of the brightest days of my life. This Sunshine changed my life. I will forever be grateful to this Sunshine for sharing it's light with me. Even more so, I will forever me grateful to God who gave me this Sunshine in the first place.

Chapter 5, Sunshine, has ended, but I will remember it forever. This chapter changed my life in such a drastic way. I am a completely different person than I was 3 years ago when the chapter began. I have learned so much. Seen so much. Loved so much.

God is good. Too good. He has given me so many things that I do not deserve. My days have been gray and gloomy the last couple months, but God has come and shed his light on me once again. Light I do not deserve after all the anger and blame I have placed on Him. Now all I can do is thank God for His grace, repent and change the ways I have been living my life in these gray times. God, you are so good to me. Thank you.

For everyone else out there, know that God loves you. Even if it seems like he is nowhere near you, He is. He is walking with you through all of our life's hardships and joys. He won't ever leave your side. So, if you are at one of the places in your own book where you are so mad at what the author wrote you want to chuck it at a wall, don't. Hold onto the book and keep reading to find out what happens. I promise you, if you stand near to Him, good things will come. His plan is much better than ours. Sometimes, we just have to wait and be patient.

If its wrong, God says "no." If the timing is wrong God says "slow". If we are wrong God says, "grow". But if the request is right, the timing is right, and we are right, God says "Go!"

Song(s) of the Moment: There are 2 this time. 1) Never Be The Same by RED 2) I Repent by Jennifer Jade Kerr (only on her Myspace)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set and example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

10 Good Things

A year ago in my Sociology class we were told to make a list of 10 good things about ourselves. I sat in class staring at my page. I didn't write anything down. I just couldn't think of anything good. My self esteem is fine I just didn't want to write anything shallow down like "funny" or "good at math" (even though I'm not). I wanted something with meaning. With Oomph. So, I have been working on it and this is my list:
[Note: Beside each number is a date. This is the date that I added this characteristic to my list. This can give you an idea as to how long it took me to compile my 10 things.]

1. I have a great love for Jesus Christ that gets stronger every day. This is something I have been working on for a long time and am proud to say that I have come this far. And even more proud to say I am going to go a lot farther. (Oct. 3)
2. I know who I am. I know the essence of me. What makes me tick. And, most importantly, I don't care what others think about me. I don't care if you think I dress badly. I don't care if you think I am a "goody goody." I don't care. (Oct. 3)
3. I am trying to better myself. I have been reading the Bible every day for the last 6 months. It feels really good and I have learned a lot. I have also cut some things out of my life. Things that never should have been there in the first place. Bye bye inappropriate movies, TV and music. It wasn't so nice knowing ya. (Oct. 3)
4. I remember all the little seemingly pointless things. The little random stories that everyone else seems to forget. When I am with friends I'll say "Hey do you remember when...." and they won't remember it at all. Now, I promise you that I am not making these stories up. They did happen. Apparently my memory likes to remember things like that. I am okay with this. (Oct. 4)
5. I am an optimist. I see the good in everything. I will admit sometimes it takes me a while but, in the end, I always see the good in something. I know that everything happens for a reason so you just have to be positive. If you are ever looking for the silver lining come ask me, maybe I can help you find it. (Oct. 16)
6. I am not easily stressed out. I don't usually freak out about stuff. If I have a big test or paper, I suck it up and study. I don't pull my hair out and run around the house freaking out. If I am ever stressed that is how you know it's REALLY bad. (Oct. 23)
7. I have a love and a passion for music. I've always got a song going through my head. And, if you play the right one, I will just starting singing along to a song I love even though I don't like singing in front of people. I just can't help myself. I also enjoy playing music. Yay for handbell nerds! (Nov. 5)
8. I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, for the most part. I know that I'm shy and sarcastic and a wimp. While those all may be on the more negative side of my personality, I know about them. It is better to live with my weaknesses and grow than be blind to them. (Nov. 10)
9. I write this blog. Maybe this one seems a bit odd to put in a '10 Good Things About Me' list. But it is something good about me. I know there are nay-sayers out there. I know there are some who don't like or appreciate my blog but know it exists/read it anyways, but I still believe this blog is a good thing. Some people get something from my blog. A sense of belonging. A sense of understanding. A smile. A frown. A lesson. Something they can relate to. Whatever it is people get out of my blog I have heard good things about it, so I will keep writing it until I feel there is no longer a need: for me or for the few readers I have. I don't only write this for me. I write it for you too. (Nov. 15)
10. I stand up for what I believe in. I have strong morals and opinions and I will not hide them. People think I am crazy for some of the things I do and don't do but I will stand up for myself. I will stand up for the things I believe in because they matter. I will stand up for the people I love because they matter. I will not hide myself or shy away because you disagree with what I believe, I will stand up, give you my reasons and stand firm. (Nov. 24)

Wow. I think that's a pretty good list. It took a long time. 52 days to be exact. It was hard, but it feels good. I do suggest that you sit down and do this. No matter where you may be in your life. Maybe it's at a high-point and this seems easy or maybe you're feeling kinda low like I have while writing this. I encourage everyone to dig deep and make a list. While you are making it you may feel kinda down because you can only think of a few things but when you are done you have 10 things to boost your mood everyday. 10 things to remind yourself of when you are feeling belittled. 10 good things that make you feel good.

Song of the Moment: I Am by qSarah.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Used To Be

The following are the lyrics to what the band Lost And Found call their "most controversial song." They actually removed it from the original CD (but don't let that scare you away from the rest of this). I heard them sing it for the first time while I was in Edmonton at the National Youth Gathering, where they were part of the sessions, in the concert they did for about 30 of us. A few months ago I was at a concert of their's and was accused of being controversial for requesting this song. I bought the only CD collection that the song can be found on and as I got them to sign it they said "Now you can listen to it whenever you want." and the in between the lines was "so you never have to request it at a concert again."

Superman was killed in Dallas
There's no love left in the palace
Someone took the Beatle's lead guitar
Have another Chivas Regal
Your twelve years old and sex is legal
Your parents don't know where or who you are
Used to be the hero of the ball game
Took the time to shake the loser's hand
Used to be that failure only meant you didn't try
In a world where people gave a damn

Great big wars in little places
Look at all those frightened faces
But don't come here we just don't got the room
Love thy neighbor's wife and daughter
You cleanse your life with holy water
Hey we don't need to bathe we've got perfume
Used to be a knight in shining armor
Didn't have to own a shiny car
'Coz dignity and courage were the measure of a man
And not the drugs he needs to hide his scars

Can your teacher read
Does your preacher pray
Does your president have soul
Have you heard a real good ethnic joke today
Mama took her speed
And daddy ran away
But you mustn't lose control
You see the kids are wild we just can't tame 'em
Do we have a right to blame 'em

We fed them all our indecision
And raped their minds with television
But what the hell
They're too young to feel pain
But I believe that love will save tomorrow
I believe that truth will make us free
Someone tried to say it and we nailed him to a cross
I guess it's still the way it used to be

I love this song. Next time I am at a Lost And Found concert I am going to request this song again because I think that people should hear it.

Society today sickens me. It really does. People walk around using the F word as if it was the word 'the'. People walk around with body parts hanging out of clothes that should not be hanging out of their clothes. The crap on TV and on the radio shocks me. The things that parents will let their small children hear and watch disturbs me.

The society we live in has gone downhill. Down a steep mountain. I would give anything for a long skirt, some pearls and listening to Little Orphan Annie on the radio. Where did we go wrong over the years? How did we end up hear? How did we go from quiet, simple lives to the chaotic, complex lives people live today. Where did we go wrong and how, if possible, can we change it?

Questions to ponder. Things to think over. Let me ask you, do you want to raise your children in this society? A society that is progressively getting worse? I know I don't.

Song of the Moment: Used To Be by Lost and Found (If you go here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xt-lkek-g5k you can watch a not-so-great video of Lost And Found performing this song at a concert. Apparantly Stevie Wonder originally sang this song, but it is no where near as good as Lost And Found's...sorry Stevie. I know you're a legend, but they beat you on this one)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Ice Cream

Today I sat in Marble slab on an emergency ice cream date with 2 good friends of mine. I spent the whole afternoon being strong and wise because I felt it was necessary in the situation. I thought it was true. But tonight as I sit hear I realize that it wasn't real, it was just a face I put on.

I thought I was strong and wise, but it's not true. It was necessary this afternoon. My friend needed something strong to lean on and I was there. But someone who is strong doesn't break down while listening to Sunshine by Cadence. That song is happy and bouncy, and yet there I was, in major sobs because of one song. And it's not even a sad song it just brought back memories and thoughts that I can't even describe.

This afternoon I said things out loud that I had only ever said in my head up to that point. Saying them out loud made them real. My fears and confusion and lostness came out of my mouth and made it that much more real. Which is good. I've never had that before.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I am working on it. I work on it everyday. I am slowly taking steps forward in that direction. I'm just not there yet.

So, to my friend (if you actually ever read this), just because I say these things doesn't mean I have no wisdom at all. It'll get better. It may take time, but it'll get better. As Dr. Leo Marvin in What About Bob? would suggest: Baby Steps. One tiny step at a time and eventually you'll be there. I want to be there.

And while I still have many things to face and many fears I need to take care of, I know someday I'll get there. Someday I will be wherever God has me in the end. But right now, maybe God wants me right here: lost, confused and leaning on Him more than ever. I don't think I've ever leaned on Him so much. And maybe that's all part of it. Part of the reason it happened. To bring me closer to Him.

Last week I was watching the Duggars and Anna Duggar was saying how we should thank God, not only for the good times in our lives, but for the bad as well. So God, thank You. Thank you for doing this. I am not fully aware of your reasoning behind it all yet, but You let it happen for a reason and I trust You. I trust You with my life and my heart. I know You will keep them safe. Thank You for that.

Song of the Moment: Last Kiss by Taylor Swift
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are.
I hope the sun shines
and it's a beautiful day
And Something reminds you,
You wish you had stayed.
You can plan for a change in weather and town
but I never planned on you changing your mind.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

What I want is...

Someone to buy me flowers.
Someone who my 'folks' will like.
Someone who will laugh at my jokes even though they aren't funny.
Someone who will sigh and gaze at me.
Someone whose eyes glow like mine.
Someone who collects things as we go along.
Someone who will hold my mittens while I sift through my purse.
Someone I can bake their favourite cookies for.
Someone I can give advice to.
Someone charming.
Someone I can be proud of.
Someone I can kiss in the rain.
Someone who will give me their arm.
Someone whose hands fit mine perfectly.
Someone who would spend the whole night with me doing nothing.
Someone who would watch stars with me.

If I had all this, people would say we're in love. And they'd be right. Is this too much to ask for?

Song of the moment: People Will Say We're in Love from Oklahoma

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Enchanting

This evening I drove past something that I miss dearly in my life. As we quickly passed I strained to look inside the few lit windows into the empty shell of a building. An empty shell full of memories. Full of friendship. Full of lessons. Full of laughter. Full of love.

This place will forever have a place in my heart. This will always be the place where I learned so much about life. The place where I learned so much about love. The place where I learned so much about myself.

Even though it's gone I still feel it changing me. Which maybe sounds crazy, but it does. I can feel it embedded in my heart. It runs through my veins and is always in the back of my mind. I will never forget it. I will never forget what I learned there.

As I sit here almost a year and a half after I watched it all crumble, like so many other things in my life, it still affects me as if it was yesterday. It feels as if it was yesterday that I took my last steps through the halls. It was yesterday that I was sitting in my bed on that awful July day crying and eating Rolos trying to ease the pain. It was yesterday that I took my first steps into a building that would never be home, but only a space filler that had to be used. It was yesterday that I wore a red gown instead of a blue one. It was yesterday that my heart broke. And it is today that I continue to mourn over the loss of a dearly loved part of my life.

Christ Lutheran School changed my life. I know there are people out there who speak down about it and don't believe it was a good school, but it was. It changed my life. And not only my life, but hundreds of lives. And maybe I don't know anybody else's stories but I know it changed their lives. Some people met their future husbands and wives their. Some met their best friend who continues to be to this day. Some people learned a great life lesson. And others felt God walking through those pink hallways with them.

This school still holds a large portion of my heart. A part that I will never throw away. It is a part that I will keep forever and cherish. A part that I will look back upon and share with anyone and everyone.

CLS, it was an enchantment. I will never forget you.

Song of the moment: Enchanted by Taylor Swift

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Speak Now

Two weeks ago I bought Taylor Swift's newest album Speak Now. I have been listening to it almost nonstop since then. I love it. Most of the songs have gotten to me in some way or another. Some make me feel sad. Some make me feel happy. Some make my head hurt. But they all do something to me.

So, I have decided to save myself about 17 blogs. I have written my tidbits about each song and hope I will be understood. You can make your guesses as to what's about what but I'll never say what's true or not. Some are obvious, some aren't. But this is just as far as I can go right now.

What I would suggest while reading this, if you have the means, is to actually listen to the album as you read it. Youtube the songs. And if you can't do that pull the lyrics up. You may get some pop-ups but if you go to azlyrics.com and pull up the songs at the top you can listen to them. If you don't care very much you won't do any of this and that is just fine. Do as you please. Read as you please.

Mine
I had it. I was so sure it was happening. Except when I braced myself for the goodbye, it actually happened. Now you have to change the 'ares' to 'weres.' Now all I do is pray that someday I can sing this song again.

Sparks Fly
This is my favourite song on the album. It's in my head all the time. Someday.....
"Drop everything now. Meet me in the pouring rain. Kiss me on the sidewalk. Take away the pain cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile."

Back To December
I go back to September all the time. And if it was still September...or even October. I would have taken this from you any day, especially the bridge...but now, I don't know. This song makes my brain hurt and I miss being your friend.

Speak Now
Please, don't force me to do this.

Dear John
I should've known...In the words of Taylor: "Loved you from the very first day"

Mean
"Someday I'll be living in a big ole city and all you're ever going to be is mean." While I would like to live in a small town, you're still only going to be mean. "Nice people" don't do that. They just don't. Get over yourself.

The Story of Us.
It truly is. I had my whole story ready. I was 100% in it to win it but I was abandoned. Now it's a tragedy.

Never Grow Up
Sorry, but I want to.

Enchanted
2nd favourite. I am enchanted. I know very little about you. But all I can do is pray that I can learn more. And while this song hurts my brain a bit, I think it's worth it. But "Please don't be in love with someone else....."

Revenge
This is another song I really don't want to have to sing...but I fear that someday in the near future I will be.

Innocent
"Who you are is not what you did. You're still an innocent." I wish you would realize this without me shoving it down your throat.

Haunted
Welcome to my life for the past 77 days. My frustrations and confusion. Chorus.

Last Kiss
Again, 77 days of this. My life has become the bridge of this song, no matter how hard I try. "I never planned on you changing your mind."

Long Live
I think that if I had graduated from CLS, my grad speech may have gone a bit like this. I wish I had graduated at CLS. It broke my heart having to wear red and black instead of blue and gold. CLS, you will always have a very large piece of my heart reserved just for you.

Ours [Extended Edition]
Maybe you didn't listen to Taylor's advice. I know I did. I wish you had. Maybe things would be different now. But then again, maybe they wouldn't be.

If This Was A Movie [Extended Edition]
I used to pray for this everyday. As if my life depended on it. But lately, I've realized this isn't a movie, it's real life. And for whatever reason this has happened. And I'm still waiting on my toes to figure out whatever God has planned but I have always wanted a movie ending. God, I am ready for my movie ending. Bring it on.

Superman [Extended Edition]
Waiting for my Superman.

Song of the Moment: Last Kiss by Taylor Swift

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity
1 Timothy 4:12

Who Am I?

I am Beth Moffett.
I love Jesus.
I am a big wimp.
I take forever to do my laundry (but am slowly improving).
I am a big procrastinator.
I love to read but have little time for it now-a-days.
I LOVE music.
I listen to music that suits my mood...or I will listen to a song and it will put me in a mood.
I like to sing, but I don't like people to hear.
I love the rain.
I love the colour yellow. It's just so happy.
I want to make a difference in someone's life.
I love post-it notes and always think about buying more...even though I seldom use them to begin with.
I love Christian book stores. If you gave me the money, I could probably spend $1000 in one visit.
I don't watch or read anything that shows people having sex.
I also don't watch or read anything with a lot of swearing (absolutely no f-bombs).
I don't like it when people where leggings as pants.
I am sentimental. I can't throw anything out and I like things just because they remind me of something else.
I LOVE weddings.
I am already planning my wedding...even though I have no man.
I don't know very much about girly things. Makeup, hair styles, etc. I learn it all very slowly as I go along.
I like to sleep.
I like to cuddle.
I like chick flicks.
I do not and probably will never drink.
I love playing handbells.
I play the piano, but don't play very often anymore.
I wish my hair would curl...but it doesn't no matter how hard I try.
I have a weakness for lip balms. I buy them all the time even though i don't really need them.
I love Erynn Mangum books. They are easy reads with cutesy love stories, but I wish my life was like Lauren Halbrooks. :P
I keep all the tips I get at work and refer to them as "My Wedding Dress Fund." (again...still with no man)
I get annoyed when girls will scream and cry over a celebrity they don't even know.
I don't like riding my bike. In fact, I never do.
I love cardigans.
I have a cell phone, but I seldom use it.
I am annoyed when people are endlessly texting someone else on their phone when they are hanging out with you.
I am very good at hiding my emotions.
I love daisies.
I turn little things into big things in my mind (For example, I meet a boy and then in my head we are getting married tomorrow). This really is not a good thing. It sets me up for disappointment.
I hate shopping for bras and bathing suits.
I usually go shopping by myself, but don't worry, I'm not lonely when I do it.
I wish I was better friends with some people I am friends with.
I tell awful punny jokes.
I love people who are witty and quick on their feet with jokes.
I love potatoes.
I like junk food.
I wish I ate healthier.
I relate songs to my life and will listen to them endlessly.
I celebrate Christmas in July.
I tend to get carried away at times.
I love a good debate.
I can be hyper and obnoxious at times.
I want to marry my best friend.
I have a lot of heavy baggage.
I wish that someone could be in love with me despite all my quirks, problems and difficulties.

Song of the Moment: Who I am by Nick Jonas

Don't let any look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity
1 Timothy 4:12

Still Going Nowhere

Here I sit, 2 months after everything I knew fell to pieces. I'm still lost. I feel like if I have moved at all it's about 2 centimetres to the right of my little spot in a dark corner. I'm not even wandering in circles; I'm staring in a dark corner just hoping and praying that someone will come and pull me out of it.

I guess I lied a month ago. All of my blogs since then have been full of my "moments" as I call them. Not one happy one. Well, not really.

Will I ever find my way out of my corner? I can only pray that I do. Will someone help me? I can only pray that someone will. I still have so much to figure out. Where am I going in life? I have no idea.

I don't know how many more nights like these I can handle. They are awful. All I want to do is sleep and yet here I am at 2:18am writing a blog. How does that even make sense?

At least I know I've got one guy on my side: The Guy. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34: 18
I just wish that I could tell. That I could sense the direction He is pushing me in. That I could sense Him with me when I am having moments like these.

Song of the Moment: Breaking At The Cracks by Colbie Callait
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12