If I Were King of the Forrrrest

About a week ago I wrote a blog that never got published. It has been sitting, saved, unwanted...until tonight.

I was sitting and thinking about what was going on and than realized what I had written just a week ago...and how perhaps I was wrong about a few points.

An exert:
.... I had everything I ever wanted and even then some. Not only that, but I was also a coward, I was clingy, and I was stupid.

Today I realized just how much I have changed in these past 8 months. I have made lots of new friends and done many new things. But most importantly, I found me. Me. Who I am and what I want and how I won’t compromise who I am for anybody else. Advice is nice and opinions are great, but in the end it will be me who decides what is best: me who captains this ship.

I have always said that I don’t care what people think and for the most part it has always been true. However, there were always exceptions, always buts. Not anymore. The Beth of the past is gone. The Beth of the present is here. And she is here to stay.

I said I was a coward. I wasn't a coward. I am a coward. I run away. I hide. I bottle it all up. It's who I have always been and will always be a part of who I am. I handle some situations in the worst possible ways. I just can't help myself though. I am scared. I am a coward.

It's true. There is a new Beth. I am quite different than I was 8 months ago as I said. But what I have come to realize tonight is that, while I have changed and grown in these past months and years, I will always carry the person I used to be and the traits that have made me who I am for so long. I can't just brush them off. I am who I am. Or as Popeye would say "I yam what I yam."

Lord, hear my cry, hear my heart.
Here I come to where you are
...Lord, though I'm weak, you are strong.
So I'll go back where I belong
...What good am I if I'm not taken?
And who am I without salvation?

Song of the Moment: 1) Who Says by Selena Gomez (at least this was the song for the unpublished blog) 2) Scared by Above The Golden State (as quoted above.)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Legacy

What am I doing? I've been thinking that a lot lately. What am I doing here? What am I doing with my life? Where am I going?

When I was in high school, I could never give an answer to the ever popular "What do you want to do when you grow up?" question. Because I didn't know until a month before I had to apply for university. Now that I am coming to the end of my first year of college, with only one more year to go, people are starting to ask "What next?" And here I am once again with no answer. I could go back to school and get my BSW or eventually MSW, I could get a job and work or I could go to Bible College...something that has always intrigued me but I still question.

What do I want to do? I want to leave a legacy. I want to be remembered. I want to make a difference.

I have a list of things to do before I die on facebook. Number 49 is to make a difference in someone's life. I never expected to have that one crossed off anytime soon but about 6 months ago I received an e-mail from someone saying that this blog made a difference in her life. Was I shocked? Very. But how long with that actually last? Will she be telling her grandchildren about this great blog she read years and years ago? Probably not. It's not a legacy, it's just now.

You know, for a girl studying social work you would think I would be less worried about not making a difference. I mean, its kind of my job to make a difference in someone's life. But I am still worried. I think about if I'll be remembered at work once I leave. I mean, there are some people who have left years ago and are still being talked about today. The guy who put his nametag in the microwave, the manager who bugged everyone or the supervisor who everyone wants to work with. They all left a legacy.good or bad, in the world of Tim Hortons. Who will I be there?

I don't need everyone in the world knowing who I am. I would just like to do some really awesome stuff that my children will be proud to tell their children of. That people in the community or my church or my workplace will be able to say that I did something special.

I just want to leave this world knowing that I did something for it. Knowing that I didn't waste my life away doing nothing. Knowing that whatever I did was for God's glory.

Song of the Moment: Legacy by Sanctus Real

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:12