Goodbye.

Apparantly people change. Apparantly people who were once really good friends can't even be friendly to eachother. Apparantly I've been a jerk in the past. But that's only what I have recently learned.

In the last 2 days I have been contacting an old friend on facebook. I've been trying to add this person for at least 2 weeks now...and haven't been accepted.

Today i got an e-mail saying why not. Apparantly I was a bully. Apparantly I treated her like "s***". Apparantly I wasn't a very good friend. And I would defend myself. But maybe she's right. Maybe I did all the things she said i did without my realising it.

When she told me this I apoligized wholy and sincerely. Which was again rejected. Because apparantly if I was really sorry I wouldn't have done it in the first place.

But to that I do have something to say. Would any of us ever do anything bad if we knew we were doing it? Would anyone do anything they knew they'd regret? Would anyone do something knowing that in 3 years they were going to feel terrible for doing it? I don't think so.

In life stuff like this happens. People make mistakes. And obviously i made a mistake 3 years ago. But I don't think apologizing for it now is a mistake. Maybe in 3 years she'll be the one going "I wish I hadn't done that"...or maybe she won't be. I can't put words or thoughts or ideas in her head. She is her own person and I respect that.

So, for the last time I'm going to apoligize to her. She'll never here another one after this one. You know who you are. I'm sorry. I'm not the person i once was and you obviously aren't either. So, I'm done now.

But you should know. I'm happy too. I've never been happier. I've had a lot of crap since you've left. My life hasn't been a perfect and full of sunshine. It's been hard. And it's made me who I am today. And I'm glad you're the same.

Good bye.

Song of the moment: Shadows and Regrets-Yellowcard

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young.
1 Timothy 4:12

This year...Thankful

So today is thanksgiving day. And while I celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday...that doesn't mean I can't think about it today.

This thanksgiving was different than the others. And it's hard to explain why....it just was. I was at my cottage for the first time in about 6 years. I used to go up every year...but I hadn't been there for Thanksgiving in 6 years.

It was a good weekend. I had fun. Hung out with the fam. Saw an old friend. Went for my sunset walk. Ate some turkey. And went to church Sunday morning.

For the past 3 weeks I've been saying this year I'm actually thankful for something. In the past years I haven't really thought about what I'm thankful. I didn't think I had all that much too be thankful for. In the past years Thanksgiving has just been about Turkey dinner and a day off of school. But this year I actually have something to be thankful for.

I am thankful for the love God has shown me. I've spent a lot of the last year complaining and upset and not completely happy with the way things are going. But in the past 2 months and 6 days it has all changed. He completely turned my life around and for that I have to thank Him.

I am not deserving of God's love. I mean, I spent a whole year whining and complaining and now I have more than I could ever ask for. He's giving me so much. I don't deserve anything I've been given. I don't deserve anyone I've been given. I don't deserve it...and yet...I have it all.

So this Thanksgiving I'm actually thinking about what I'm thankful for.
I am thankful for the love God has given me and I pray that I can give the same amount back.
I am thankful for my friends...no matter how messed up they may be or however crazy we may be...I love them. And I'm glad I have every single one of them
I am thankful for my family. Who (for the most part) have really been there for me this past month. They have surprised me in many ways and can only expect the surprises to keep coming.
And last, but certainly not the least, I am thankful for the Sunshine. My Sunshine. You know who you are. Thankyou...for everything you have given me that I don't deserve....not in the least. but again...here you are. Thankyou. For everything. That's as much as I'll say here.

So. People. This thanksgiving really think about what you have. Who you have. And if you don't think you have anything or anyone....either you're wrong....or it's coming. Just wait patiently and pray. That's all you can do.

Song of the Moment: Mercy by OneRepublic...Angel of Mercy how did you find me?

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young.
1 Timothy 4:12

Music is what feelings sound like....Thank God for it everyday.

The Tide That Swept Me Away

Last night I went to the birthday party of one of my best friends. And as the entertainment segment of the party she had "Lauren's Friends Got Talent." Which as you can guess is like a talent show. If you had one you would sign up. The 8th act of the show was a guy named Jem. I had never formally met him. I knew he was a funny guy because he told a funny joke and when he couldn't figure out his moms guitar he was just laughing it off. I thought "oh man this is going to be good." Expecting something funny (Like a juicy fruit commercial).

From the moment he sat down and played the first chord I knew I was wrong. He sang the Tide by the Spill Canvas. and he sang it with such passion...at one point I even thought he was crying. But when he played that last chord and stood up he was back to his funny self....it would have been so easy to forget the passion he had 30 seconds before. But I remembered it. He walked away with 2nd place.

But now to the actual point of my blog...that was just the inspiration. I got home from school today and when I came onto the computer I looked for the song. I didn't know what it was called...I just knew the band. I found it, I Youtubed it, and I had goosebumps.

The song is so...entrancing. Which is the first word that comes to mind. And it gives me goosebumps. Which seldom happens but it does. And while what the song is saying is wrong...that's probably why i get the goosebumps.

This song is beautiful. But this song is wrong. This is a song about 3 children growing up on the beach. And the mother gives her son some advice...advice that she obviously has no clue about.

"Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard."

First of all...Heaven is the place we should all strive for. Heaven is where I would like to spend my life...but first I have to fulfill my duty on earth. And "if Heaven is the moment in life when you actually feel alive" than I'm in Heaven. So that is obviously not quite right. Because I am no where near done what God has planned. I still have plenty of things to do.

Second of all...love is not a hoax. Love is all around us. Love is the best thing that you will ever find on this earth. God is love. God gives us love. Obviously this mother has no clue what she is talking about. Maybe she just hasn't found the greatest love of all yet. Which is of course the love that Jesus gave us. Love is the best thing in life. Nothing will ever out due it. So don't even try.

The only thing that is right in this is "live for the moment." That's true. Live for the moment God gives you. That one she got right. That is the only thing this mother should be telling her son.

I will continue to listen to this song...even if it isn't quite right. Because everytime I listen to it I think of a whole new things to say to it. Things I would like to say to this mother. Things I would like to tell the son...good advice.

This song is beautiful. Just like life is beautiful. And love is beautiful. And this world that God created is beautiful. Sometimes you just have to look a little bit harder for the beauty.

So take this advice:
Heaven is a place you go when you die. It's where your father lives. It's your home.
Moments in life when you feel alive...can be rare...but when you find them never let go.
Live for the moment.
Love is not a hoax. It's real. It's true. It's from God. It's the most amazing gift you could ever be given or give to someone. Don't take it for granted. Love is truly amazing and don't ever doubt that.

Song of the moment: The Tide by The Spill Canvas

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young.
1 Timothy 4:12

Music is what feelings sounds like....no matter what kind of bad advice it may give.

True Happiness...just an e-mail away.

I am happy. Unbelievably happy. Words cannot describe how happy I am today.

I cried myself to sleep last night. But they were far from sad tears. I was sooo happy. Tears of joy were pouring down my face all night long.

I am happy because I have finally followed my heart. And I'm happy because people don't seemed to be appalled by it. But most of all....my big brother Eric is happy for me.

So last night. In the midst of all my happiness I went upstairs to go to bed. And I put aside the shirt I've worn to bed the last 72 days....a shirt that i got from a boy who is very special to me....I put it aside and put on one of Erics. The squirrel shirt.

So now....I'm going to tell you....that God truly does answer prayers. And no...he usually doesn't do it right away. Mine took 6 months...but it was so worth it. Because now I have everything I could have ever wanted. And while the past 6 months have majorly sucked at times they're what have made the past 5 days so wonderful.

Follow the path God gives you. That's all I can say really. Is that you should make sure you follow it...even when it seems like He is sending you into a dark scary forest, or a big ditch, or whatever obsticle there may be. But on the other side of the forest is the most beautiful meadow, and once you've climbed out of the ditch you'll find yourself somewhere beautiful. God gives us the bad to make the good feel great. And the great feel fantastic.

There's a light at the end of every tunnel. So just keep walking the tunnel and you'll find your light. I know I found mine. And for that all I can do is thank God. And that's what I'll continue to do. Thank God for my light....my sunshine....you know who you are.

Song of the Moment: Bless the Broken Road by Selah. I found this song at the beginning of all of this and fell in love with it...I only recently bought the CD that has it....at the end of all it. The end that is now the beginning of a wonderful story.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young.
1 Timothy 4:12

Music is what feelings sound like...

Taking Chances

"Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with who, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel always. Be you and be okay with it."

I found that on a bumper sticker on facebook. That saying just above. On a bumper sticker. At the same time I was thinking about and listening to my sermon from Sunday...which I had a good feeling I would write a blog about. It just needed a couple days to sink in. It's sunk. So here I am.

The reading for the sermon on Sunday was Ecclesiastes 9:10-12. My favourite of the 3 is verse 10...so I'll put it in here. "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, their is neither working nor planning now knowledge nor wisdom."

Live your life to the fullest. Whatever chance is given to you take it. Enjoy life to the best of your abilities. Do what you can to make it a good life. And that's exactly what I am going to do.

"There is a quiet voice in our spirits. It's the Holy Spirit telling us to turn to the bible as our instruction manual. God won't shout at us...or force us...or threaten us to read it. But he'll speak softly and wait patiently to be heard and obeyed....Listen to God even if his council is painful. Listen to God even if your family or friends disagree with you. Listen to God even if the world thinks you are absolutely crazy. Listen to God. If He says to do it then you do it. Live life to the fullest. It's only then that you'll come to terms with reality. It's only then that any of us can find relief and recovery."

God tells us to do many things in our lives. And that is why we do a lot of the things we do. Because God has told us to. Even if we don't know it. Sometimes He's that feeling we have in our gut. And sometimes he's that little voice in the back of our heads. But I know it's always him.

So we do our best to listen. And sometimes when we don't hear anything....or want to hear something....we'll ask for a sign. A sign from God to show if something is right or wrong. Should we do it or not? And sometimes he will give you that sign. But i'm starting to think...sometimes the sign we though we needed we don't end up needing. Because he's changed the confusion and worry into a gut feeling or one of those voices in the back of our heads.

For a lot of the things we do in our lives there may be a person who disagrees with us and thinks that we're wrong for doing it. Maybe there's that 1....or maybe there's 10....or maybe there's 100. But does it matter? If God is telling us to do it we should do it. If God is telling us to take a chance than we should take it. Who cares what other people think.

So I'm going to follow my gut. I'm going to follow that tingle that I have from my fingers to my toes. That voice in the back of my head. That sign that I got. I'm going to follow it for the rest of my life. And if you think I'm crazy good for you. And if you think that this is a bad idea than I don't care. And if you think that I shouldn't do it than i think that you should mind your own business.

So I urge you all to follow your heart, and that feeling, and that voice in the back of your head. Follow it. Listen to God. He knows what he's doing. Take that chance. Live your life. Live it the way you want to and the way God wants you too...not the way anyone else wants you too.

And so what....maybe the chance you take might end up exploding in your face. But it's a lesson that must be worth learning. Or a turn in the road that'll lead you somewhere better. Or maybe it'll just prove that you can do something even though no one believed in you.

"Life is about trusting your feelings, taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories, learning from the past, and realizing life goes on."

Figure out what you want and go for it. If it doesn't happen...or it doesn't turn out.....it wasn't meant to be...and you'll move on. But you'll never know if you don't try.

Song of the moment: Feeling A Moment-Feeder...don't let your moment slip away

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young.

1 Timothy 4:12

Music is what feelings sound like........

I'm Done

It's 2 in the morning and I'm done. I'm severring all ties. I am no longer talking. I'm finished with all things. I'm not doing it anymore.

Don't expect me to talk to you because I won't. No matter who you may be. I won't. Because I feel it is what has to be done. And maybe it's not what has to be done. But that's the way I'm thinking.

So I'm done. I don't know for how long. I'm just done. with everything. See you when I'm ready.

Song of the moment: Benjamin-Sanctus Real

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young
1 Timoth 4:12

I am Obviously a Mess

So I'm sitting here. And I don't actually know what I'm going to say today. The other day I was going to right a blog about change. But i never got to it. I had a song and everything. But the moment passed. And now i feel as if i have something to say. I just don't know what it is. I've had so much on my mind lately but i haven't been able to put it into words.

I guess for starters I'm going to say how bummed I was yesterday. Yesterday i wrote 2 exams. And then I cleaned out my locker. Which always makes me sad. Because that really means the year is over. And that means i have to live through yet another summer alone and then go back to school. Grade 11. and then in a year I'm going to have to clean out the locker all over again. And then I'm going to be in Grade 12. And I'm going to have to know what I want in my life. And as of right now I haven't the faintest clue.

People expect me to know what I want and how I feel and what I want in my life. But I don't know. And the thing is they'll keep asking me until I know. And I don't know when I'll know all the answer. I don't know if I'll ever get all the answers. For at least 3 months now I have been praying my little heart out. I've been praying for the answers. Not for the guidance to get the answers. All I've wanted is the answers handed to be as clear as they can be on a plate. But it doesn't seem to be working. Its been 3 months and I haven't gotten anything yet. Not one answer to one question. And obviously God wants me to wait and that's cool. I just have to convince my brain of that.

And now that I've said that I have something else to admit. I miss my brother. In the last couple days songs about home have just been popping out at me. The first was This Is Home by Switchfoot. And then there was Comin' Home by City and Colour. And now of all things I'm listening to Michael Buble with Home. And seriously the more I hear them the more I miss him. Because he's gone for a good 6 or 7 months.

But the question is what is home. Back in the day I used to watch Madeline. And there was this song called Home Is Where The Heart Is. And i used to sing it all the time. Having your parents divorced gives you 2 homes because your heart is in 2 different places. And what about that piece of my heart thats at my school. I grew up there. It's my home away from home.

So how the heck are we supposed to figure out where we belong in our lives. The weeks when I go to Hope for church Pastor Hursch always says "Go and live your lifes purpose" and every week I wonder what my lifes purpose is. Whenever he says that I just feel like yelling and saying "What if we don't know what that is?" How am I supposed to live out my lifes purpose if I don't know what it is. How am I supposed to live my purpose if I'm to scared to make decisions that will help me figure out my purpose.

I am scared of my life. I am scared to make difficult decisions. Because I always want to make sure its the right one and again I'm back waiting for answers. I don't like to make difficult decisions. I don't like the idea of it. Ask me something easy and it might even take me a couple seconds to decide. So I'm kind of stuck leaving people hanging for my answers that I'm waiting for.

So pretty much this blog has been all over the place. I started with having nothing to say, to not knowing about the future, to looking at peoples expectations of me, to missing my brother, to where home is, to lifes purpose, to being afraid of life. That to me sounds like I've suppressed way to many blogs in the past couple of weeks. Sorry about the mess. But I'm a mess.

Song of the Moment: Take This To Heart by Mayday Parade...talk about getting lucky and finding this song. It's got a little bit of everything in it.

Don't let anyone look down one you because you are young.
1 Timothy 4:12

Music is what Feelings Sound like