Ice Cream

Today I sat in Marble slab on an emergency ice cream date with 2 good friends of mine. I spent the whole afternoon being strong and wise because I felt it was necessary in the situation. I thought it was true. But tonight as I sit hear I realize that it wasn't real, it was just a face I put on.

I thought I was strong and wise, but it's not true. It was necessary this afternoon. My friend needed something strong to lean on and I was there. But someone who is strong doesn't break down while listening to Sunshine by Cadence. That song is happy and bouncy, and yet there I was, in major sobs because of one song. And it's not even a sad song it just brought back memories and thoughts that I can't even describe.

This afternoon I said things out loud that I had only ever said in my head up to that point. Saying them out loud made them real. My fears and confusion and lostness came out of my mouth and made it that much more real. Which is good. I've never had that before.

I'm not as strong as I thought I was, but I am working on it. I work on it everyday. I am slowly taking steps forward in that direction. I'm just not there yet.

So, to my friend (if you actually ever read this), just because I say these things doesn't mean I have no wisdom at all. It'll get better. It may take time, but it'll get better. As Dr. Leo Marvin in What About Bob? would suggest: Baby Steps. One tiny step at a time and eventually you'll be there. I want to be there.

And while I still have many things to face and many fears I need to take care of, I know someday I'll get there. Someday I will be wherever God has me in the end. But right now, maybe God wants me right here: lost, confused and leaning on Him more than ever. I don't think I've ever leaned on Him so much. And maybe that's all part of it. Part of the reason it happened. To bring me closer to Him.

Last week I was watching the Duggars and Anna Duggar was saying how we should thank God, not only for the good times in our lives, but for the bad as well. So God, thank You. Thank you for doing this. I am not fully aware of your reasoning behind it all yet, but You let it happen for a reason and I trust You. I trust You with my life and my heart. I know You will keep them safe. Thank You for that.

Song of the Moment: Last Kiss by Taylor Swift
So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are.
I hope the sun shines
and it's a beautiful day
And Something reminds you,
You wish you had stayed.
You can plan for a change in weather and town
but I never planned on you changing your mind.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12