What A Crazy Thought

I've had this thought for the last few days. A thought that most people will think I am crazy for. But then again, when have I ever let what people think of me get in the way of what I know is right?

I know this is right. At first I thought this was crazy just like I expect you to, but from the moment I looked down at my hand tonight while pondering this crazy thought and saw that my ring was facing me saying "trust" I just knew it was right. I knew before I left for the beach to take my sunset walk tonight I would be convinced by the time I got back. I just know this is right.

So what is this crazy though you ask? I am not going to date, at all, until my next birthday. Wait. What did I just say? Yep, that's right. No dating. And yes, I understand that it's possible the opportunity may not even come up in the next year, but it's more than just dating. And why my birthday? It just seemed like a good day to pick. Just shy of a year away.

So why am I doing this? While reading my devotional the other night I read about a 15 year old girl who decided she wasn't going to date. She was doing this because she wanted to be devoted to God. Like 1 Corinthians 7:34 says: "A woman who is not married or a girl who has never married is busy with the Lord's work. She wants to be holy in body and spirit." I want that.

While lately I have been doing much better on the whole waiting-for-a-boy-instead-of-looking-for-one, I still need more. Just 4 days ago I can be quoted as saying "Sometimes I am so desperate it's sad." I said that because it is incredibly true. I think the only way I'll get anywhere closer to where I want to be is if I do this.

What will this entail? Well, I've been thinking about some rules/guidelines. They go a little something like this.
1. No dating. This means:
a) No intimate one-on-one time with a guy (unless he is married, WAY older, etc. etc.)
b) No physical contact with a guy (I am a bit of a hugger so those friendlys "I've missed you" or "I'm so excited to see you" hugs don't count. You know.)
c) Nothing romantic. At all.
2. No daydreaming/pursuing/scouring for a guy to like. Basically, no being interested in guys. This will probably be the absolute hardest part of it all but I'm not going to learn anything if I spend all my time dreaming about dating boys instead of dating them.
Let the record show that I am allowed to be friends with guys and make new guy friends, we just cannot be romantically involved.

I really think all of this will free some space in my brain for other things that are more important right now. I want to become closer to God in this difficult, yet cool way. I want to figure out what I should be doing with my life. In 10 months I will be finished the post-secondary program I am currently in and I would love to know where to go next.

So tonight I pledge my 100% earthly singleness. It's going to be tough, but I know I can do it with help from the Big Guy Upstairs. (Pray for me :D )

Song of the Moment: Let My Words Be Few by Phillips, Craig and Dean (Jesus I am so in love with you)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Promise You Kid

Maybe the reason your single is you focus on not being single instead of discovering YOU.

A friend of mine tweeted that yesterday. When I got it I thought he was actually talking to me, but who really knows. This is something I have been thinking a lot the past few weeks. No. The past few months.

I have found that I have gotten caught up in too many things too fast. I let my mind wander and get distracted and then when I finally open my eyes I have no idea how I let myself get there. Its time for that to stop.

As I said in my last blog: I am going to stop looking for love and just wait. But I'm going to do more than wait. I'm going to learn and I'm going to grow as I have been for quite a while now. But I know I need to grow more before I can be ready for what I want in my future.

In Song of Songs the verse "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" appears three times. It resides in my head all the time. I have learned that you can't force love nor can you find love. Love finds you when God decides the time is right.

So until that time I will not try to arouse or awaken love. I will continue to grow and hopefully someday I will grow near to someone else. Until then I am perfectly okay with waiting for God's impeccable timing.

Song of the Moment: Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble (...or maybe I have. Who knows? *shrug*)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

No Longer Looking, but Waiting

I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few weeks. Thinking about my life in the present and what I want in the future. I came to the realization a few weeks ago that I have been trying to make my life what I want it to be instead of what God wants it to be. I've taken situations that come up in my life and tried to bend them and mold them into how I think they should fit into my life. Obviously, that was not a smart thing to do.

So, I have decided on something new. I am not going to look for things anymore. I am going to wait. I keep looking for the perfect man and the perfect job and the perfect school but I think it is time for me to stop. It's time for me to just stop, walk and wait for what may cross my path.

When I think about it, some of the most amazing things that have happened in my life have come from the last place I thought I would look. I loved something I thought I never would. I found my awesome school by accident. I walked into something with no idea what to expect and have loved it so far. God likes surprising me, so I am going to let him.

All my looking has left me hurting myself and others at times. It is time for me to sit back and wait for God to do what He does best. I am going to sit back and wait for the show to start. I trust that God will bring me exactly what I need whether it be a boy, a job, a school, a hobby, anything. I trust Him. Always will.

Song of the Moment: Your Love Is A Song by Switchfoot ("With my eyes wide open. I've got my eyes wide open. I've been keeping my hopes unbroken...Your love is symphony...Your love is my remedy.")

Don't let others look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

If I Were King of the Forrrrest

About a week ago I wrote a blog that never got published. It has been sitting, saved, unwanted...until tonight.

I was sitting and thinking about what was going on and than realized what I had written just a week ago...and how perhaps I was wrong about a few points.

An exert:
.... I had everything I ever wanted and even then some. Not only that, but I was also a coward, I was clingy, and I was stupid.

Today I realized just how much I have changed in these past 8 months. I have made lots of new friends and done many new things. But most importantly, I found me. Me. Who I am and what I want and how I won’t compromise who I am for anybody else. Advice is nice and opinions are great, but in the end it will be me who decides what is best: me who captains this ship.

I have always said that I don’t care what people think and for the most part it has always been true. However, there were always exceptions, always buts. Not anymore. The Beth of the past is gone. The Beth of the present is here. And she is here to stay.

I said I was a coward. I wasn't a coward. I am a coward. I run away. I hide. I bottle it all up. It's who I have always been and will always be a part of who I am. I handle some situations in the worst possible ways. I just can't help myself though. I am scared. I am a coward.

It's true. There is a new Beth. I am quite different than I was 8 months ago as I said. But what I have come to realize tonight is that, while I have changed and grown in these past months and years, I will always carry the person I used to be and the traits that have made me who I am for so long. I can't just brush them off. I am who I am. Or as Popeye would say "I yam what I yam."

Lord, hear my cry, hear my heart.
Here I come to where you are
...Lord, though I'm weak, you are strong.
So I'll go back where I belong
...What good am I if I'm not taken?
And who am I without salvation?

Song of the Moment: 1) Who Says by Selena Gomez (at least this was the song for the unpublished blog) 2) Scared by Above The Golden State (as quoted above.)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Legacy

What am I doing? I've been thinking that a lot lately. What am I doing here? What am I doing with my life? Where am I going?

When I was in high school, I could never give an answer to the ever popular "What do you want to do when you grow up?" question. Because I didn't know until a month before I had to apply for university. Now that I am coming to the end of my first year of college, with only one more year to go, people are starting to ask "What next?" And here I am once again with no answer. I could go back to school and get my BSW or eventually MSW, I could get a job and work or I could go to Bible College...something that has always intrigued me but I still question.

What do I want to do? I want to leave a legacy. I want to be remembered. I want to make a difference.

I have a list of things to do before I die on facebook. Number 49 is to make a difference in someone's life. I never expected to have that one crossed off anytime soon but about 6 months ago I received an e-mail from someone saying that this blog made a difference in her life. Was I shocked? Very. But how long with that actually last? Will she be telling her grandchildren about this great blog she read years and years ago? Probably not. It's not a legacy, it's just now.

You know, for a girl studying social work you would think I would be less worried about not making a difference. I mean, its kind of my job to make a difference in someone's life. But I am still worried. I think about if I'll be remembered at work once I leave. I mean, there are some people who have left years ago and are still being talked about today. The guy who put his nametag in the microwave, the manager who bugged everyone or the supervisor who everyone wants to work with. They all left a legacy.good or bad, in the world of Tim Hortons. Who will I be there?

I don't need everyone in the world knowing who I am. I would just like to do some really awesome stuff that my children will be proud to tell their children of. That people in the community or my church or my workplace will be able to say that I did something special.

I just want to leave this world knowing that I did something for it. Knowing that I didn't waste my life away doing nothing. Knowing that whatever I did was for God's glory.

Song of the Moment: Legacy by Sanctus Real

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:12

Reflecting on the Past, Looking Forward to the Future

Tonight as I wrapped up my shift at work and as I came home and got ready for bed, I was thinking about my past. Things that have happened to me. And not just any "things," the big things. The huge things that have impacted my life in such a large way. I narrowed it down to three. Three things that impacted my life in such a huge way and changed my life forever.

I thought about the unexpected, the ultimate heartbreak, and the end of an important chapter. I shed some tears for these things that still have an effect on me today. I thought of their low moments and the hurt I felt both while they were happening and the months and years afterward.

I shed tears and remembered my hurt, but I also found all the good, no, great things that came out of these happenings. I reflected on where my life is now compared to then. Where my life could be if none of these things had happened. And where I'd rather be.

I would rather be right here. With hurt in my past but whatever bigger, better things God has planned for my future. Yes, it still hurts sometimes. And yes, every once in a while I will have moments where I wish none of it happened. Where I wish I had none of that hurt and things were still the way I planned them to be. But now, especially after tonight, I know I am better off without that happening.

God had reason for these situations. Some of these reasons I have reflected on and already know, but knowing Him, I will find more reasons in the future. All of them bigger and better and making my life exactly what He wants it to be and not what I want it to be.

So I end this night reflecting on the past but also thankful for where I am today and where I am going in the future.

Song of the Moment: Desert Song by Hillsong (All of my life in every season You are still God and I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Odd Metaphors

I haven't written a blog on the first of the month since December. However, today I decided that it was a fitting occasion. Why? Because so much has changed since I started these little "anniversary" speeches. So much.

In the past 6 months I have grown a lot. I have almost completed my first year of college. There alone I have learned a lot about my future career and about myself. I have grown stronger in faith. I have reached out and tried something new. I have been courageous. I have been honest. I have been fearless.

Not only all of this, but something that I thought was broken 6 months ago wasn't at all. Such amazing circumstances have risen from the ashes. Ashes from a fire that was lit for a long time. I thought it had burned out 6 months ago. And it did. But out of those ashes grew a tree. A tree, strong and friendly, and with arms always open to me. Things have changed, but they are so much better now.

So as I venture into something new, I will always have my tree. That amazing tree who has stuck around through all of my "moments" and never once turned away. In the future I pray that it will continue to grow along with me.

After all my odd metaphors, I am going to wrap up. Saying: I love ya bud. :D

Song of the Moment: God Gave Me You by Dave Barnes (I still remember the first time I heard this song on the radio. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7M7cJ4DydQ OR, if you can't get youtube, http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=91BF2MNU.)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are wrong but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity
1 Timothy 4:12