If I Were King of the Forrrrest

About a week ago I wrote a blog that never got published. It has been sitting, saved, unwanted...until tonight.

I was sitting and thinking about what was going on and than realized what I had written just a week ago...and how perhaps I was wrong about a few points.

An exert:
.... I had everything I ever wanted and even then some. Not only that, but I was also a coward, I was clingy, and I was stupid.

Today I realized just how much I have changed in these past 8 months. I have made lots of new friends and done many new things. But most importantly, I found me. Me. Who I am and what I want and how I won’t compromise who I am for anybody else. Advice is nice and opinions are great, but in the end it will be me who decides what is best: me who captains this ship.

I have always said that I don’t care what people think and for the most part it has always been true. However, there were always exceptions, always buts. Not anymore. The Beth of the past is gone. The Beth of the present is here. And she is here to stay.

I said I was a coward. I wasn't a coward. I am a coward. I run away. I hide. I bottle it all up. It's who I have always been and will always be a part of who I am. I handle some situations in the worst possible ways. I just can't help myself though. I am scared. I am a coward.

It's true. There is a new Beth. I am quite different than I was 8 months ago as I said. But what I have come to realize tonight is that, while I have changed and grown in these past months and years, I will always carry the person I used to be and the traits that have made me who I am for so long. I can't just brush them off. I am who I am. Or as Popeye would say "I yam what I yam."

Lord, hear my cry, hear my heart.
Here I come to where you are
...Lord, though I'm weak, you are strong.
So I'll go back where I belong
...What good am I if I'm not taken?
And who am I without salvation?

Song of the Moment: 1) Who Says by Selena Gomez (at least this was the song for the unpublished blog) 2) Scared by Above The Golden State (as quoted above.)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Legacy

What am I doing? I've been thinking that a lot lately. What am I doing here? What am I doing with my life? Where am I going?

When I was in high school, I could never give an answer to the ever popular "What do you want to do when you grow up?" question. Because I didn't know until a month before I had to apply for university. Now that I am coming to the end of my first year of college, with only one more year to go, people are starting to ask "What next?" And here I am once again with no answer. I could go back to school and get my BSW or eventually MSW, I could get a job and work or I could go to Bible College...something that has always intrigued me but I still question.

What do I want to do? I want to leave a legacy. I want to be remembered. I want to make a difference.

I have a list of things to do before I die on facebook. Number 49 is to make a difference in someone's life. I never expected to have that one crossed off anytime soon but about 6 months ago I received an e-mail from someone saying that this blog made a difference in her life. Was I shocked? Very. But how long with that actually last? Will she be telling her grandchildren about this great blog she read years and years ago? Probably not. It's not a legacy, it's just now.

You know, for a girl studying social work you would think I would be less worried about not making a difference. I mean, its kind of my job to make a difference in someone's life. But I am still worried. I think about if I'll be remembered at work once I leave. I mean, there are some people who have left years ago and are still being talked about today. The guy who put his nametag in the microwave, the manager who bugged everyone or the supervisor who everyone wants to work with. They all left a legacy.good or bad, in the world of Tim Hortons. Who will I be there?

I don't need everyone in the world knowing who I am. I would just like to do some really awesome stuff that my children will be proud to tell their children of. That people in the community or my church or my workplace will be able to say that I did something special.

I just want to leave this world knowing that I did something for it. Knowing that I didn't waste my life away doing nothing. Knowing that whatever I did was for God's glory.

Song of the Moment: Legacy by Sanctus Real

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:12

Reflecting on the Past, Looking Forward to the Future

Tonight as I wrapped up my shift at work and as I came home and got ready for bed, I was thinking about my past. Things that have happened to me. And not just any "things," the big things. The huge things that have impacted my life in such a large way. I narrowed it down to three. Three things that impacted my life in such a huge way and changed my life forever.

I thought about the unexpected, the ultimate heartbreak, and the end of an important chapter. I shed some tears for these things that still have an effect on me today. I thought of their low moments and the hurt I felt both while they were happening and the months and years afterward.

I shed tears and remembered my hurt, but I also found all the good, no, great things that came out of these happenings. I reflected on where my life is now compared to then. Where my life could be if none of these things had happened. And where I'd rather be.

I would rather be right here. With hurt in my past but whatever bigger, better things God has planned for my future. Yes, it still hurts sometimes. And yes, every once in a while I will have moments where I wish none of it happened. Where I wish I had none of that hurt and things were still the way I planned them to be. But now, especially after tonight, I know I am better off without that happening.

God had reason for these situations. Some of these reasons I have reflected on and already know, but knowing Him, I will find more reasons in the future. All of them bigger and better and making my life exactly what He wants it to be and not what I want it to be.

So I end this night reflecting on the past but also thankful for where I am today and where I am going in the future.

Song of the Moment: Desert Song by Hillsong (All of my life in every season You are still God and I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Odd Metaphors

I haven't written a blog on the first of the month since December. However, today I decided that it was a fitting occasion. Why? Because so much has changed since I started these little "anniversary" speeches. So much.

In the past 6 months I have grown a lot. I have almost completed my first year of college. There alone I have learned a lot about my future career and about myself. I have grown stronger in faith. I have reached out and tried something new. I have been courageous. I have been honest. I have been fearless.

Not only all of this, but something that I thought was broken 6 months ago wasn't at all. Such amazing circumstances have risen from the ashes. Ashes from a fire that was lit for a long time. I thought it had burned out 6 months ago. And it did. But out of those ashes grew a tree. A tree, strong and friendly, and with arms always open to me. Things have changed, but they are so much better now.

So as I venture into something new, I will always have my tree. That amazing tree who has stuck around through all of my "moments" and never once turned away. In the future I pray that it will continue to grow along with me.

After all my odd metaphors, I am going to wrap up. Saying: I love ya bud. :D

Song of the Moment: God Gave Me You by Dave Barnes (I still remember the first time I heard this song on the radio. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7M7cJ4DydQ OR, if you can't get youtube, http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=91BF2MNU.)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are wrong but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity
1 Timothy 4:12

Dazed and Confused

I haven't written in a while. It's because I have no answers. I have had no inspiration. I have had no epiphany. I have had no new thought. I have had no eye-opening song or Bible verse. I have no idea.

So why bother write this at all? Usually I write at the peak of a great thought or a strong emotion, but right now I am just kind of nowhere. Dazed and confused. Wandering. Hoping and praying that God would just give me a clear arrow pointing me where to go so I can stop wandering in circles with no idea what to do next.

I haven't figured it out yet and I haven't decided if this is all just a test of my will or something more. I am still thinking about everything. Looking for something. Praying that God will just lead me to where He wants me to be. Hoping that it will all become known sooner rather than later.

Song of the Moment: Lead Me To The Cross by Frencesca Battistelli

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Making Plans

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Something has come up in my life, a choice, and I don't know what to choose. If God has placed this into my life, it will have good outcomes. Right? I can see the chance of prospering, hope and a future but I can also see impending harm. I just need to decipher if this is something God wants me to do or if this is something God just wants me to pass by. Not a chapter in my book, but a page. The problem is: I can't figure it out.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. The Lord works out everything for his own ends - even the wicked for a day of disaster...In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Proverbs 16: 3-4, 9

A part of me wants to give up. Stop thinking so much about it. Stop making my brain hurt. Just stop everything and live my life and hope that God will push me in the right direction. I want to take every burden out of my head put them in God's hands, along with my heart, and have him put them down exactly where they should go. He knows where they belong much better than I do.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21

As of this moment, I think I know where my heart is in all of this. Right now I can imagine the outcome of everything, but I wonder, does that mean I am completely wrong? I have had my heart set on so many things in the past and then have God come and change it all. I am basically sitting here waiting for God to change my heart, which is causing all the brain pain. Either my heart is already in the right place or it isn't and I just cannot figure it out.

So, today I am going to say a little prayer. I pray that God will point my heart and my legs and my arms and my mouth and my everything in the right direction. I pray that through this no one gets hurt. I pray that His plans will become clear to me. And I pray that in the end, I will have done everything according to His will. Amen.

Song of the Moment: Awakening by Chris Tomlin (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljr6lqu2-ec)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

A Long-Winded Toast

A lot can change in a year. Even more can change in 2. It's a new year. Another New Year's Eve has passed. This year I spent it with my oldest brother, playing numerous games and beating him at few. Last year when midnight struck, tears sprung out of my eyes because I missed something that I was so happy to have. In the years time since then, I have lost what those tears were for, but I shed no tears today.

This was quite the year. Big decisions. New Friends. New School. Bravery. Love. Loss. Growth. It had it's high points and it's low points, but I wouldn't change any part of it. I have grown so much more in this year than in any other year of my life.

The other day I was thinking of resolutions I would make for this new year. One of the ideas I had was to go on a date. In the last 24 hours I have decided against this resolution. I know that my last few blogs have been about love and how I want it, but I have realized something. The more I pray for love, the more I want love, the more desperate I will become. Desperation is not something that I want to come. I want to date someone because I like them, not because I am desperate.

So, this year, I am saying goodbye to desperation. I am saying hello to patience and living my life in a God pleasing way. Yesterday night, in the midst of playing our games, my brother said "When you are a Christian, you just know." This is something that he now denies, but he said it and it got me thinking. Someday God is going to put an amazing man in my life and I am just going to know. I'll know he is 'the one.'

A few years ago a friend of mine was telling me about how his friend was sure he was going to marry his girlfriend. At this time he was 17 and they had been dating for about a year. They got married today. Which is just so amazing to me. When I think about this, all I can say is "I want that." Just knowing after such little time, at such a young age. I want that feeling of knowing. It is just so amazing to me.

I read a book over the summer about a woman who picked up, moved towns and started to plan her wedding because she said God told her to. I should mention this woman was not engaged. She didn't even have a boyfriend, but God had even given her a date for the wedding. So she planned her wedding. It wasn't until 3 days before her "wedding day" that she realized it wasn't going to happen. On that day she accepted her singleness and entrusted her heart to God...she got engaged 3 days later on what she thought was supposed to be her wedding day.

Now, I'm not saying that I expect to have a vision from God and then get engaged 3 days later. The point I was trying to get at with that story is that if I accept my singleness, perhaps than God will send me someone. Desperation is not the way to get what we want. So, I will accept living my single life. Even if that means I will spend Friday nights at home in my sweat pants or my next New Year's with my brother again. I am okay with that because I love sweat pants and I love my brother.

So, here's to living the single life God has given me at this point in my life. I'll toast to that.

Song of the Moment: Before the Storm by The Jonas Brothers Feat. Miley Cyrus ("They always say a heart is not a home without the one who gets you through the storm.")

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12