July 1, 2008
Do you ever feel like you just can't do anything right? Like no matter what decision you make it'll be the wrong one. There are pros and cons to both sides but you have to decide if the pros will be enough for the cons. Will it be worth it?...How do we know? And once we know, where do we get the courage to go after what we want? Our hopes and our dreams are only an arms length away. But how do we get the courage to reach out and touch it? When are we going to be brave enough to wrap our fingers around it and never let go. I thought I was close, but I wasn't. Someday I'll figure it out. And when I do, I'll hold on tight and never let go.
I wrote that 2 and half years ago in a notebook I kept. I think that was pretty wise for my not even 16 year old self. I have changed a lot since I wrote this, but some things remain the same. I still question the decisions I make. I still wonder if I am brave enough to go after what I really want. I am still trying to figure it out. I still want to find it, whatever it is, hold on tight and never let go.
The 'it' I am referring to is love. How do you know what love is real? And where do you find it in the first place? I am searching for it, praying that God will help me find it (sooner rather than later).
Recently, I have thought of this great love I will never let go of, as my future home. It is my Solla Sollew. I have a picture in my mind of how I think it should be. Everybody else has thrown in their 2 cents on how they think it should be, but I am sure it is going to be a surprise. That seems to be the way God likes to do things in my life. I know that when it happens though, I'll know. And when I know, I will never let go. I will stay in my Solla Sollew forever.
I've had so much trouble finding my way there. When I get close, it disappears. If I can get there I'm going to stay there. If it takes me miles. If it takes me years...Sooner or later I'll find it. Sooner or later I will be home, in Solla Sollew. With you.
Song of the Moment: Sollaw Sollew by the Cast of Seussical the Musical. (I'll be home with you) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0U4MUG-twtU
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Love
There is one thing that most girls dream about from a very young age: Their wedding day. As you get older and closer to it it becomes so much larger in your brain. You think about it more and more seriously. This all comes from one thing though, falling in love.
1 Corinthians 13 is an amazing chapter. All of it, I love it. But, for me, verses 4 through 7 "hit home" the best with The Message translation.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Those last five lines get to me every time: "Puts up with anythings, trusts God always, looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end."
Recently, I have learned a lot about love. What it takes. That it isn't just sunshine and butterflies. It is hard work. It involves frustration and commitment and sacrifice. It can hurt you and make you feel on top of the world. It makes you weak in the knees and headstrong. It changes your life in a second.
If there is anything I want in life, it is a deep love. First, with God. And second with the man that God places in my life, whenever He places him in my life. I want the deep love you can see in people's eyes after years of marriage. The kind of love where you fall in love deeper and deeper everyday, even after being married for 20, 30, 40 years.
Until this love comes for me, I am perfectly happy where God has placed me. I will remain happily single until God gives me the green light for that boy. Whether he be "the one" or just another life-changing relationship. Until that day comes, I will pray everyday that I don't become a bitter, depressed, lonely woman. Although, He does already know that all I want for Christmas....is you.
Song of the Moment: Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath (This song is beautiful. Just beautiful. I have been listening to it for weeks just waiting for it to spark a blog and hear we are today. You should listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nQy-aP_Koo)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
1 Corinthians 13 is an amazing chapter. All of it, I love it. But, for me, verses 4 through 7 "hit home" the best with The Message translation.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Those last five lines get to me every time: "Puts up with anythings, trusts God always, looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end."
Recently, I have learned a lot about love. What it takes. That it isn't just sunshine and butterflies. It is hard work. It involves frustration and commitment and sacrifice. It can hurt you and make you feel on top of the world. It makes you weak in the knees and headstrong. It changes your life in a second.
If there is anything I want in life, it is a deep love. First, with God. And second with the man that God places in my life, whenever He places him in my life. I want the deep love you can see in people's eyes after years of marriage. The kind of love where you fall in love deeper and deeper everyday, even after being married for 20, 30, 40 years.
Until this love comes for me, I am perfectly happy where God has placed me. I will remain happily single until God gives me the green light for that boy. Whether he be "the one" or just another life-changing relationship. Until that day comes, I will pray everyday that I don't become a bitter, depressed, lonely woman. Although, He does already know that all I want for Christmas....is you.
Song of the Moment: Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath (This song is beautiful. Just beautiful. I have been listening to it for weeks just waiting for it to spark a blog and hear we are today. You should listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nQy-aP_Koo)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I'll Be Home...Someday
Tonight as I sat in the car on the way home from my little sister's Christmas program, watching the country fly past, Michael Buble's I'll Be Home For Christmas came on the radio. It was beautiful but it got me thinking.
They say that home is where the heart is. And so I sat there, watching the snow covered fields fly by, trying to figure out where home was. And more importantly, where my heart is. And the answer that I came up with is this: I really don't have any idea.
I know that God has his hands wrapped tight around my heart, but I'm just not sure where exactly. I'm still not sure where my life is going. As I prepare for one of the loneliest Christmases I have ever celebrated, I feel as if I am still just wandering trying to find the right direction to head in. I am a nomad wandering from place to place looking for somewhere warm to settle.
Someday, I know I will find the home my heart is looking for. Until then I'll be their only in my dreams and trusting God with everything in me. I know that someday I will be able to sing that song from Madeline "Home is where the heart, if your heart is there, it's home."
Song of the Moment: I'll Be Home For Christmas by Michael Buble (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t_forzHXzE)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
They say that home is where the heart is. And so I sat there, watching the snow covered fields fly by, trying to figure out where home was. And more importantly, where my heart is. And the answer that I came up with is this: I really don't have any idea.
I know that God has his hands wrapped tight around my heart, but I'm just not sure where exactly. I'm still not sure where my life is going. As I prepare for one of the loneliest Christmases I have ever celebrated, I feel as if I am still just wandering trying to find the right direction to head in. I am a nomad wandering from place to place looking for somewhere warm to settle.
Someday, I know I will find the home my heart is looking for. Until then I'll be their only in my dreams and trusting God with everything in me. I know that someday I will be able to sing that song from Madeline "Home is where the heart, if your heart is there, it's home."
Song of the Moment: I'll Be Home For Christmas by Michael Buble (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t_forzHXzE)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
A Moment of Shame
Today was a great day: I finished my last exam, You've Got Mail was on TV when I came home from school, and I ate Kings Buffet for dinner...for Free!! Sounds like a pretty good day right? Well, those parts were, but my hearts still feels heavy. Heavy with sin.
Today as I sat at a table in school I watched something happen that I should not have watched. I wasn't participating, which I thought was good enough, but it wasn't. It was not good enough.
I came to my senses after about 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours too long. Someone else in my class came up to our table saw what was going on and walked away. About 5 minutes after that he came back, looked me in the eye and said "You know better than this. You shouldn't be sitting at this table. You should be running from evil."
It hit me like a freight train. Shame washed over me as I realized what I had been doing. I wasn't participating, but I wasn't saying why. I could have gotten up, made a bit of a scene to show people I thought, no, knew, it was wrong. I could have done something. And yet I did nothing. I did nothing. I just sat their in my shame and in my sin.
I may have come a long way so far in this journey I have been venturing the past 2 years, but I still have a lot farther to go. That is what I realized today. I pray that God will forgive me for what I did this afternoon and that next time, if it ever happens again, that He will give me strength to get up and walk away without caring what the others think. I pray that God would grant me strength in this world full of sin. I pray that next time, I will do more.
Song of the Moment: The Motions by Matthew West
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Today as I sat at a table in school I watched something happen that I should not have watched. I wasn't participating, which I thought was good enough, but it wasn't. It was not good enough.
I came to my senses after about 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours too long. Someone else in my class came up to our table saw what was going on and walked away. About 5 minutes after that he came back, looked me in the eye and said "You know better than this. You shouldn't be sitting at this table. You should be running from evil."
It hit me like a freight train. Shame washed over me as I realized what I had been doing. I wasn't participating, but I wasn't saying why. I could have gotten up, made a bit of a scene to show people I thought, no, knew, it was wrong. I could have done something. And yet I did nothing. I did nothing. I just sat their in my shame and in my sin.
I may have come a long way so far in this journey I have been venturing the past 2 years, but I still have a lot farther to go. That is what I realized today. I pray that God will forgive me for what I did this afternoon and that next time, if it ever happens again, that He will give me strength to get up and walk away without caring what the others think. I pray that God would grant me strength in this world full of sin. I pray that next time, I will do more.
Song of the Moment: The Motions by Matthew West
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Final Update
Here we are. What would have been my 3 month update after my world "fell to pieces" as I described it a month ago. I told myself for as long as it hurt I would update on the "anniversary" of my pain. Well, guess what, I don't need to update you. I actually didn't feel anything was necessary after what I wrote on Monday.
Life is back on track. But, then again, maybe it was never off track in the first place. Those 3 months of sorrow and heartbreak brought me so much closer to God. They made me reach out and find a new place for myself. I am so glad that I did.
While my life is hectic and full of long days at the moment, I can't help but smile. I can't help but say I am fantastic. I can't help it. God has been so good to me. Too good to me. And yet here I am happy as a clam. Our God is an awesome God!
Song of the Moment: Our God by Chris Tomlin (LOVE this song)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Life is back on track. But, then again, maybe it was never off track in the first place. Those 3 months of sorrow and heartbreak brought me so much closer to God. They made me reach out and find a new place for myself. I am so glad that I did.
While my life is hectic and full of long days at the moment, I can't help but smile. I can't help but say I am fantastic. I can't help it. God has been so good to me. Too good to me. And yet here I am happy as a clam. Our God is an awesome God!
Song of the Moment: Our God by Chris Tomlin (LOVE this song)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Monday, November 29, 2010
Chapter 5: Sunshine
God is good. That is all I have been saying the past 20 hours. God is good. He has answered my prayers. He is so good.
I am feeling really good right now. I have officially ended a chapter in my life. One of the best chapters in the Book of Beth. It had a bit of a tragic ending. The kind that when you read it you get mad at the author because that isn't what you wanted to happen, but then when you keep reading you find out why the author but in the tragedy: because something so much better came out of the tragedy. It was a happy ending all along. You just had to keep reading to find the good in all the bad.
Today I wandered my room, gathering memories and shedding my last tears over my ended chapter. It was the weirdest feeling putting everything in a box in my closet and shutting the door.
Three years ago Sunshine came into my life. It shed it's light on dark places in my life and made them bright. It taught me how to see life in a new way. It helped shed light on the path God wanted me to follow. The Sunshine helped me feel better when my days were dark and stormy and stood beside me on some of the brightest days of my life. This Sunshine changed my life. I will forever be grateful to this Sunshine for sharing it's light with me. Even more so, I will forever me grateful to God who gave me this Sunshine in the first place.
Chapter 5, Sunshine, has ended, but I will remember it forever. This chapter changed my life in such a drastic way. I am a completely different person than I was 3 years ago when the chapter began. I have learned so much. Seen so much. Loved so much.
God is good. Too good. He has given me so many things that I do not deserve. My days have been gray and gloomy the last couple months, but God has come and shed his light on me once again. Light I do not deserve after all the anger and blame I have placed on Him. Now all I can do is thank God for His grace, repent and change the ways I have been living my life in these gray times. God, you are so good to me. Thank you.
For everyone else out there, know that God loves you. Even if it seems like he is nowhere near you, He is. He is walking with you through all of our life's hardships and joys. He won't ever leave your side. So, if you are at one of the places in your own book where you are so mad at what the author wrote you want to chuck it at a wall, don't. Hold onto the book and keep reading to find out what happens. I promise you, if you stand near to Him, good things will come. His plan is much better than ours. Sometimes, we just have to wait and be patient.
If its wrong, God says "no." If the timing is wrong God says "slow". If we are wrong God says, "grow". But if the request is right, the timing is right, and we are right, God says "Go!"
Song(s) of the Moment: There are 2 this time. 1) Never Be The Same by RED 2) I Repent by Jennifer Jade Kerr (only on her Myspace)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set and example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
I am feeling really good right now. I have officially ended a chapter in my life. One of the best chapters in the Book of Beth. It had a bit of a tragic ending. The kind that when you read it you get mad at the author because that isn't what you wanted to happen, but then when you keep reading you find out why the author but in the tragedy: because something so much better came out of the tragedy. It was a happy ending all along. You just had to keep reading to find the good in all the bad.
Today I wandered my room, gathering memories and shedding my last tears over my ended chapter. It was the weirdest feeling putting everything in a box in my closet and shutting the door.
Three years ago Sunshine came into my life. It shed it's light on dark places in my life and made them bright. It taught me how to see life in a new way. It helped shed light on the path God wanted me to follow. The Sunshine helped me feel better when my days were dark and stormy and stood beside me on some of the brightest days of my life. This Sunshine changed my life. I will forever be grateful to this Sunshine for sharing it's light with me. Even more so, I will forever me grateful to God who gave me this Sunshine in the first place.
Chapter 5, Sunshine, has ended, but I will remember it forever. This chapter changed my life in such a drastic way. I am a completely different person than I was 3 years ago when the chapter began. I have learned so much. Seen so much. Loved so much.
God is good. Too good. He has given me so many things that I do not deserve. My days have been gray and gloomy the last couple months, but God has come and shed his light on me once again. Light I do not deserve after all the anger and blame I have placed on Him. Now all I can do is thank God for His grace, repent and change the ways I have been living my life in these gray times. God, you are so good to me. Thank you.
For everyone else out there, know that God loves you. Even if it seems like he is nowhere near you, He is. He is walking with you through all of our life's hardships and joys. He won't ever leave your side. So, if you are at one of the places in your own book where you are so mad at what the author wrote you want to chuck it at a wall, don't. Hold onto the book and keep reading to find out what happens. I promise you, if you stand near to Him, good things will come. His plan is much better than ours. Sometimes, we just have to wait and be patient.
If its wrong, God says "no." If the timing is wrong God says "slow". If we are wrong God says, "grow". But if the request is right, the timing is right, and we are right, God says "Go!"
Song(s) of the Moment: There are 2 this time. 1) Never Be The Same by RED 2) I Repent by Jennifer Jade Kerr (only on her Myspace)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set and example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
10 Good Things
A year ago in my Sociology class we were told to make a list of 10 good things about ourselves. I sat in class staring at my page. I didn't write anything down. I just couldn't think of anything good. My self esteem is fine I just didn't want to write anything shallow down like "funny" or "good at math" (even though I'm not). I wanted something with meaning. With Oomph. So, I have been working on it and this is my list:
[Note: Beside each number is a date. This is the date that I added this characteristic to my list. This can give you an idea as to how long it took me to compile my 10 things.]
1. I have a great love for Jesus Christ that gets stronger every day. This is something I have been working on for a long time and am proud to say that I have come this far. And even more proud to say I am going to go a lot farther. (Oct. 3)
2. I know who I am. I know the essence of me. What makes me tick. And, most importantly, I don't care what others think about me. I don't care if you think I dress badly. I don't care if you think I am a "goody goody." I don't care. (Oct. 3)
3. I am trying to better myself. I have been reading the Bible every day for the last 6 months. It feels really good and I have learned a lot. I have also cut some things out of my life. Things that never should have been there in the first place. Bye bye inappropriate movies, TV and music. It wasn't so nice knowing ya. (Oct. 3)
4. I remember all the little seemingly pointless things. The little random stories that everyone else seems to forget. When I am with friends I'll say "Hey do you remember when...." and they won't remember it at all. Now, I promise you that I am not making these stories up. They did happen. Apparently my memory likes to remember things like that. I am okay with this. (Oct. 4)
5. I am an optimist. I see the good in everything. I will admit sometimes it takes me a while but, in the end, I always see the good in something. I know that everything happens for a reason so you just have to be positive. If you are ever looking for the silver lining come ask me, maybe I can help you find it. (Oct. 16)
6. I am not easily stressed out. I don't usually freak out about stuff. If I have a big test or paper, I suck it up and study. I don't pull my hair out and run around the house freaking out. If I am ever stressed that is how you know it's REALLY bad. (Oct. 23)
7. I have a love and a passion for music. I've always got a song going through my head. And, if you play the right one, I will just starting singing along to a song I love even though I don't like singing in front of people. I just can't help myself. I also enjoy playing music. Yay for handbell nerds! (Nov. 5)
8. I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, for the most part. I know that I'm shy and sarcastic and a wimp. While those all may be on the more negative side of my personality, I know about them. It is better to live with my weaknesses and grow than be blind to them. (Nov. 10)
9. I write this blog. Maybe this one seems a bit odd to put in a '10 Good Things About Me' list. But it is something good about me. I know there are nay-sayers out there. I know there are some who don't like or appreciate my blog but know it exists/read it anyways, but I still believe this blog is a good thing. Some people get something from my blog. A sense of belonging. A sense of understanding. A smile. A frown. A lesson. Something they can relate to. Whatever it is people get out of my blog I have heard good things about it, so I will keep writing it until I feel there is no longer a need: for me or for the few readers I have. I don't only write this for me. I write it for you too. (Nov. 15)
10. I stand up for what I believe in. I have strong morals and opinions and I will not hide them. People think I am crazy for some of the things I do and don't do but I will stand up for myself. I will stand up for the things I believe in because they matter. I will stand up for the people I love because they matter. I will not hide myself or shy away because you disagree with what I believe, I will stand up, give you my reasons and stand firm. (Nov. 24)
Wow. I think that's a pretty good list. It took a long time. 52 days to be exact. It was hard, but it feels good. I do suggest that you sit down and do this. No matter where you may be in your life. Maybe it's at a high-point and this seems easy or maybe you're feeling kinda low like I have while writing this. I encourage everyone to dig deep and make a list. While you are making it you may feel kinda down because you can only think of a few things but when you are done you have 10 things to boost your mood everyday. 10 things to remind yourself of when you are feeling belittled. 10 good things that make you feel good.
Song of the Moment: I Am by qSarah.
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
[Note: Beside each number is a date. This is the date that I added this characteristic to my list. This can give you an idea as to how long it took me to compile my 10 things.]
1. I have a great love for Jesus Christ that gets stronger every day. This is something I have been working on for a long time and am proud to say that I have come this far. And even more proud to say I am going to go a lot farther. (Oct. 3)
2. I know who I am. I know the essence of me. What makes me tick. And, most importantly, I don't care what others think about me. I don't care if you think I dress badly. I don't care if you think I am a "goody goody." I don't care. (Oct. 3)
3. I am trying to better myself. I have been reading the Bible every day for the last 6 months. It feels really good and I have learned a lot. I have also cut some things out of my life. Things that never should have been there in the first place. Bye bye inappropriate movies, TV and music. It wasn't so nice knowing ya. (Oct. 3)
4. I remember all the little seemingly pointless things. The little random stories that everyone else seems to forget. When I am with friends I'll say "Hey do you remember when...." and they won't remember it at all. Now, I promise you that I am not making these stories up. They did happen. Apparently my memory likes to remember things like that. I am okay with this. (Oct. 4)
5. I am an optimist. I see the good in everything. I will admit sometimes it takes me a while but, in the end, I always see the good in something. I know that everything happens for a reason so you just have to be positive. If you are ever looking for the silver lining come ask me, maybe I can help you find it. (Oct. 16)
6. I am not easily stressed out. I don't usually freak out about stuff. If I have a big test or paper, I suck it up and study. I don't pull my hair out and run around the house freaking out. If I am ever stressed that is how you know it's REALLY bad. (Oct. 23)
7. I have a love and a passion for music. I've always got a song going through my head. And, if you play the right one, I will just starting singing along to a song I love even though I don't like singing in front of people. I just can't help myself. I also enjoy playing music. Yay for handbell nerds! (Nov. 5)
8. I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, for the most part. I know that I'm shy and sarcastic and a wimp. While those all may be on the more negative side of my personality, I know about them. It is better to live with my weaknesses and grow than be blind to them. (Nov. 10)
9. I write this blog. Maybe this one seems a bit odd to put in a '10 Good Things About Me' list. But it is something good about me. I know there are nay-sayers out there. I know there are some who don't like or appreciate my blog but know it exists/read it anyways, but I still believe this blog is a good thing. Some people get something from my blog. A sense of belonging. A sense of understanding. A smile. A frown. A lesson. Something they can relate to. Whatever it is people get out of my blog I have heard good things about it, so I will keep writing it until I feel there is no longer a need: for me or for the few readers I have. I don't only write this for me. I write it for you too. (Nov. 15)
10. I stand up for what I believe in. I have strong morals and opinions and I will not hide them. People think I am crazy for some of the things I do and don't do but I will stand up for myself. I will stand up for the things I believe in because they matter. I will stand up for the people I love because they matter. I will not hide myself or shy away because you disagree with what I believe, I will stand up, give you my reasons and stand firm. (Nov. 24)
Wow. I think that's a pretty good list. It took a long time. 52 days to be exact. It was hard, but it feels good. I do suggest that you sit down and do this. No matter where you may be in your life. Maybe it's at a high-point and this seems easy or maybe you're feeling kinda low like I have while writing this. I encourage everyone to dig deep and make a list. While you are making it you may feel kinda down because you can only think of a few things but when you are done you have 10 things to boost your mood everyday. 10 things to remind yourself of when you are feeling belittled. 10 good things that make you feel good.
Song of the Moment: I Am by qSarah.
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
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