Speak Now

Two weeks ago I bought Taylor Swift's newest album Speak Now. I have been listening to it almost nonstop since then. I love it. Most of the songs have gotten to me in some way or another. Some make me feel sad. Some make me feel happy. Some make my head hurt. But they all do something to me.

So, I have decided to save myself about 17 blogs. I have written my tidbits about each song and hope I will be understood. You can make your guesses as to what's about what but I'll never say what's true or not. Some are obvious, some aren't. But this is just as far as I can go right now.

What I would suggest while reading this, if you have the means, is to actually listen to the album as you read it. Youtube the songs. And if you can't do that pull the lyrics up. You may get some pop-ups but if you go to azlyrics.com and pull up the songs at the top you can listen to them. If you don't care very much you won't do any of this and that is just fine. Do as you please. Read as you please.

Mine
I had it. I was so sure it was happening. Except when I braced myself for the goodbye, it actually happened. Now you have to change the 'ares' to 'weres.' Now all I do is pray that someday I can sing this song again.

Sparks Fly
This is my favourite song on the album. It's in my head all the time. Someday.....
"Drop everything now. Meet me in the pouring rain. Kiss me on the sidewalk. Take away the pain cause I see sparks fly whenever you smile."

Back To December
I go back to September all the time. And if it was still September...or even October. I would have taken this from you any day, especially the bridge...but now, I don't know. This song makes my brain hurt and I miss being your friend.

Speak Now
Please, don't force me to do this.

Dear John
I should've known...In the words of Taylor: "Loved you from the very first day"

Mean
"Someday I'll be living in a big ole city and all you're ever going to be is mean." While I would like to live in a small town, you're still only going to be mean. "Nice people" don't do that. They just don't. Get over yourself.

The Story of Us.
It truly is. I had my whole story ready. I was 100% in it to win it but I was abandoned. Now it's a tragedy.

Never Grow Up
Sorry, but I want to.

Enchanted
2nd favourite. I am enchanted. I know very little about you. But all I can do is pray that I can learn more. And while this song hurts my brain a bit, I think it's worth it. But "Please don't be in love with someone else....."

Revenge
This is another song I really don't want to have to sing...but I fear that someday in the near future I will be.

Innocent
"Who you are is not what you did. You're still an innocent." I wish you would realize this without me shoving it down your throat.

Haunted
Welcome to my life for the past 77 days. My frustrations and confusion. Chorus.

Last Kiss
Again, 77 days of this. My life has become the bridge of this song, no matter how hard I try. "I never planned on you changing your mind."

Long Live
I think that if I had graduated from CLS, my grad speech may have gone a bit like this. I wish I had graduated at CLS. It broke my heart having to wear red and black instead of blue and gold. CLS, you will always have a very large piece of my heart reserved just for you.

Ours [Extended Edition]
Maybe you didn't listen to Taylor's advice. I know I did. I wish you had. Maybe things would be different now. But then again, maybe they wouldn't be.

If This Was A Movie [Extended Edition]
I used to pray for this everyday. As if my life depended on it. But lately, I've realized this isn't a movie, it's real life. And for whatever reason this has happened. And I'm still waiting on my toes to figure out whatever God has planned but I have always wanted a movie ending. God, I am ready for my movie ending. Bring it on.

Superman [Extended Edition]
Waiting for my Superman.

Song of the Moment: Last Kiss by Taylor Swift

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity
1 Timothy 4:12

Who Am I?

I am Beth Moffett.
I love Jesus.
I am a big wimp.
I take forever to do my laundry (but am slowly improving).
I am a big procrastinator.
I love to read but have little time for it now-a-days.
I LOVE music.
I listen to music that suits my mood...or I will listen to a song and it will put me in a mood.
I like to sing, but I don't like people to hear.
I love the rain.
I love the colour yellow. It's just so happy.
I want to make a difference in someone's life.
I love post-it notes and always think about buying more...even though I seldom use them to begin with.
I love Christian book stores. If you gave me the money, I could probably spend $1000 in one visit.
I don't watch or read anything that shows people having sex.
I also don't watch or read anything with a lot of swearing (absolutely no f-bombs).
I don't like it when people where leggings as pants.
I am sentimental. I can't throw anything out and I like things just because they remind me of something else.
I LOVE weddings.
I am already planning my wedding...even though I have no man.
I don't know very much about girly things. Makeup, hair styles, etc. I learn it all very slowly as I go along.
I like to sleep.
I like to cuddle.
I like chick flicks.
I do not and probably will never drink.
I love playing handbells.
I play the piano, but don't play very often anymore.
I wish my hair would curl...but it doesn't no matter how hard I try.
I have a weakness for lip balms. I buy them all the time even though i don't really need them.
I love Erynn Mangum books. They are easy reads with cutesy love stories, but I wish my life was like Lauren Halbrooks. :P
I keep all the tips I get at work and refer to them as "My Wedding Dress Fund." (again...still with no man)
I get annoyed when girls will scream and cry over a celebrity they don't even know.
I don't like riding my bike. In fact, I never do.
I love cardigans.
I have a cell phone, but I seldom use it.
I am annoyed when people are endlessly texting someone else on their phone when they are hanging out with you.
I am very good at hiding my emotions.
I love daisies.
I turn little things into big things in my mind (For example, I meet a boy and then in my head we are getting married tomorrow). This really is not a good thing. It sets me up for disappointment.
I hate shopping for bras and bathing suits.
I usually go shopping by myself, but don't worry, I'm not lonely when I do it.
I wish I was better friends with some people I am friends with.
I tell awful punny jokes.
I love people who are witty and quick on their feet with jokes.
I love potatoes.
I like junk food.
I wish I ate healthier.
I relate songs to my life and will listen to them endlessly.
I celebrate Christmas in July.
I tend to get carried away at times.
I love a good debate.
I can be hyper and obnoxious at times.
I want to marry my best friend.
I have a lot of heavy baggage.
I wish that someone could be in love with me despite all my quirks, problems and difficulties.

Song of the Moment: Who I am by Nick Jonas

Don't let any look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity
1 Timothy 4:12

Still Going Nowhere

Here I sit, 2 months after everything I knew fell to pieces. I'm still lost. I feel like if I have moved at all it's about 2 centimetres to the right of my little spot in a dark corner. I'm not even wandering in circles; I'm staring in a dark corner just hoping and praying that someone will come and pull me out of it.

I guess I lied a month ago. All of my blogs since then have been full of my "moments" as I call them. Not one happy one. Well, not really.

Will I ever find my way out of my corner? I can only pray that I do. Will someone help me? I can only pray that someone will. I still have so much to figure out. Where am I going in life? I have no idea.

I don't know how many more nights like these I can handle. They are awful. All I want to do is sleep and yet here I am at 2:18am writing a blog. How does that even make sense?

At least I know I've got one guy on my side: The Guy. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34: 18
I just wish that I could tell. That I could sense the direction He is pushing me in. That I could sense Him with me when I am having moments like these.

Song of the Moment: Breaking At The Cracks by Colbie Callait
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Fearless?

The other day I actually learned something in school. We were discussing what to do with problem behaviours when you are working with a group. One of those behaviours was anger and my teacher pointed out that underneath anger their is always fear.

I've been thinking about that: Under anger their is always fear. Lately I have had some anger, so I wonder, am I actually afraid? Am I using anger to cover up fears I may have in my life? I don't know. So I have decided to made a list:

Things Beth is afraid of:
1. Getting hurt. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am quite a wimp. Usually I am not afraid of whatever I am about to do, I am afraid of getting hurt while doing it.
2. Missing the bus. I always panic about not getting on my bus and then being late for whatever I am going to. If the sign says the bus will come at 12:14 and it's 12:17 I will start to freak out.
3. Ants. *shudder* They are disgusting. They crawl in your food and are just plain ugly. Gah...I hate them.
4. Dogs. I just don't like them. Actually, I really don't like holding or playing with any kind of furry pet-like animal. Someday I would like to have my very own fish though :)
5. Getting lost. I have a terrible sense of direction. And I'm not talking lost in an unknown city. It's even worse than lost in a grocery store. I am afraid of getting lost going to the bathroom or coming back while in a restaurant. It's just awful.
6. Telling people how I feel. This is something I have struggled with for a very long time. If something's wrong, I probably won't tell you and if I do it was definitely a terrifying experience for me. Why? I'm actually not 100% sure.
7. I am afraid I won't find my purpose in life. School is great and I am loving it, but what if it turns out to be wrong? Or what if I have gone into a profession that is completely opposite of whatever it is I am supposed to do?
8. Never getting married. All I've ever wanted is to get married and have my own family, but what happens if I never get it? What if God decides that just isn't right for me? What if I just completely miss my chance? What if all I have been living for in my life crumbles under my feet?

So, do my fears have anything to do with my anger? Yes. What an experiment that was. Fears 7 and 8 have really been getting to me lately. I've been holding in anger I should not be. I know I really shouldn't have fears about anything on that list. I know God will keep me from unnecessary harm. I know that in the end I'll end up wherever He wants me to be but it really gets to me. I am being impatient and silly, I know that. I'm 18, God willing I have a lot of life left to live.

Another fear I have: I am going to go back into that time of hurt, anger and confusion I was in 2 and half years ago. That difficult time in my life lasted about 7 months and it was awful. I don't want to feel like that again. I guess what I should be thinking about is how last time I was extremely happy for almost 2 years after that 7 month down. But honestly, I don't like those statistics. 24 good months after 7 bad ones?

I know I should have no fear. I should set them aside and just trust God in everything He is doing in my life. I should trust Him. I do trust Him. But it seems like I have a lot more trusting to do.

God, I know You will give me everything I need. I now that You have my best interest in mind when You do what You do in my life. I know that if I wait patiently You will give me the answers that I need. I ask that You would give me the gift of patience in this time of struggle. I ask that You would take this anger out of my heart. I ask that You will also remove the fears that are placed beside the anger. I pray that with Your help I can become fearless of everything this world throws at me. Amen.

Song of the Moment: Fearless by Colbie Callait (It's really not the right context as to where I took this blog...but I started with it so I'll finish with it.)

Don't let others look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Dear God,

I'm lost. I'm lost and I don't know where to go or what to do. I'd really appreciate some answers. I'd also appreciate some really large road signs marking the directions I am supposed to follow.
Sincerely,
Lost and (wanting to be) found

Song of the moment: There Was No Thief by Relient K...here are the lyrics http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/relientk/therewasnothief.html read 'em and weep. No, seriously, that's what I do.

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Just What I Needed

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
and earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73: 21-26

Song of the Moment: It actually isn't a song today. Here is the brilliant Rob Bell. Inspiring. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IinYDR92gBM (thank you for showing me this Danielle).

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Thankful?

So I sit here on Thanksgiving Monday of 2010 after the hardest thanksgiving I have had in years. After the loneliest thanksgiving in years.

As I stood on the beach on Saturday night after my walk, Sufficient (Jennifer Jade Kerr) playing in my ears, I watched the sky turn dark. I stood there feeling the loneliest I have felt in a very long time. I stood and stared. I couldn't move; I didn't want to. And all I wanted was someone, anyone, to come and put their arm around me and give me a hug. Anyone would have done the trick, even a stranger. That is just how desperately lonely I was.

I walked up the beach and through the roads on the annual thanksgiving walk, surrounded by almost twenty people but still unbelievably lonely. I sat down to a delicious meal yesterday night with about 15 other people but still felt like I was sitting there all alone. This is not to say I wasn't in good company, because I was. My family is great; their was just something missing.

In the past I have had a peace at thanksgiving. I had many things to be thankful for and it would be all I could think about. This year I have a gaping hole of uncertainty. This hole has consumed me for months now. I would love to get rid of it. To fill it. I am just not sure how to do that right now. Well, I think I do, but right now I am not trusting my own instincts: I am trusting God's.

Anyways, that is enough of that. Onto the positive. What am I thankful for this year? It seems like a tricky question right now but I have to answer it in order to give me some pep. So here it goes:
1. I am thankful that school is going well. College seemed like a really scary thing but I am surviving. Actually, not only that, but I thought I would be really stressed and I am not. It takes a lot to get me stressed and I thought college would do it...it hasn't. So I thank God for bringing me to this school. I also thank Him for my easygoing, unstressed nature.
2. I am thankful for the courage God has given me. The courage I have needed to put myself out there and do what I wanted without the fear of what people may think of me. It feels good. :)
3. I am thankful for the friends who have supported me the past few months. Without you I may still be curled up in my bed eating ice cream 24/7.
4. I am thankful for ice cream. It's good stuff.

I can't think of anything else but I think my list will suffice. It is not quite what it was 2 years ago, but right now life is not quite what it was 2 years ago.

Song of the Moment: Need You Know by Lady Antebellum (This song came on the radio yesterday while I was playing cards. It was yet another reminder of the hole that I have.)

Do not let others look down on you because you are young, but set and example for the unbelievers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12