Denoument

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "to talk of other things: of shoes - and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages - and kings - and why the sea is boiling hot - and whether pigs have wings"

Harriet the Spy learned the hard way that at some point you have to grow up.  Peter Pan never quite figured it out.  I have officially learned the lesson.  

I've known for quite some time that it's time to end this piece of my life.  My blog has served me well as an outlet but it's too full of angst and subliminal messages and the person that I used to be.  

I have grown up.  I have changed immensely since my first post more than 7 years ago.  This blog serves as a reminder of who I used to be and is a good guide for who I want to become and who I don't want to be anymore.  

I've had this sticky note sitting on my desktop for some time now.  A quote of myself from this blog about 6 years ago:
"And so what...maybe the chance you take might end up exploding in your face.  But it's a lesson that must be worth learning.  Or a turn in the road that'll lead you somewhere better.  Or maybe it'll just prove that you can do something even though no one believe in you."
This blog did all those things: it exploded in my face a few times, it taught me lessons worth learning, it lead me places better than I ever imagined, and from time-to-time I proved myself.  It's been a good 7 years.  

I missed by bi-annual Thanksgiving post so I'll say it here:
I'm thankful for you.  For you.  For You.  
Thank you.  

I'm waiting on the edge of my seat for whatever God has planned for me next, but you won't hear about it here. Just remember: in all times and in all ways God is Good.  

Song of the Moment: It's Coming Around Again by Carly Simon (It's my favourite song of all time.  In all endings come new beginnings.  They're coming around again.)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  
1 Timothy 4:12

Flimsy Whimsy

So, last night I had a dream.  It had a bit of a disappointing ending, but I've been thinking about it all day long.  In this dream, I was asked a question I've dreamed of hearing many times.  I gave the answer I've always known I would give,  but then I took my sweet time in following through.  I took forever because I wanted everything to be perfect, but in the end, when I went "Okay, now I'm ready to do what I committed to" it was too late.  Time had run out.  I didn't get what I always dreamed of having.  

I think that sometimes in life God presents us with some pretty amazing opportunities.  Sometimes they're opportunities we've dreamed of for years and sometimes they're amazing things we never would have expected to happen in our life.  He's got this huge plan worked out for each individual person.  The problem is that sometimes we take our time responding to what God has placed right in front of us.  

Maybe we're afraid of what may come.  Maybe we don't think we're ready for something so big or scary or exciting or whatever it may be.  Maybe we are so blinded that we don't even see what it is in front of us.  Or maybe we do what I did in my dream, gave the right answer but took too long to follow through.  

I recently read the book "Love Does" by Bob Goff.  He lives a life of whimsy and love.  He doesn't live, he loves.  He loves his way through life.  When something presents itself to him he grabs hold and goes with it.  I think this kind of love and whimsy takes a lot of courage, but it's something I truly strive for.  

When God presents these awesome things to me, I want to say yes and follow through.  God has got everything under control so I've just got to go with it.  It sounds easy enough, but when you're facing that open water it's a little terrifying to just jump in.  It might be shallow or rocky, but it could also be warm and peaceful.  

I don't want to waste any time when God presents me with life and love.  I want to be whimsical.  I want to commit.  I want to be ready for that.  Whenever that day comes.  

Song of the Moment: Someday We'll Know by Mandy Moore and Jon Foreman ("If I could ask God just one question: Why aren't you here with me?")

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  
1 Timothy 4:12

Like the Cows in Michigan...or Maybe it was Wisconsin

"You don't want to be in love.  You want to be in love in a movie."

Becky.  Oh Becky.  You've got it.  I watched Sleepless in Seattle tonight.  I was craving You've Got Mail but we worked with what we had.  I didn't realize Sleepless would do this to me tonight.  

If you read my blog regularly (if that person even exists) or were to go back and read older posts you would notice that I dream big.  I dream of big romantic gestures, I runaway with my thoughts, and I dream of this romantic love to tell the world.  As per usual, my mind has been drifting to these things as of late. 

I thought maybe you could be Joe Fox and I could be Kathleen Kelly.  We could write e-mails.  Maybe you'd send me a bouquet of sharpened pencils.  I thought maybe it would be you like I so badly wanted it to be. 

And here I am in my fantasies.  So I think I'll leave those behind.  I'll give Nora Ephron her pen back and let God write whatever story it is that I'll tell our grandchildren. 

I will wait for my own magic. 

Song of the Moment: In the Wee Small Hours by Carly Simon

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  
1 Timothy 4:12

All For Love

The other day I was going back into the archives and reading some of my older blog entries.  I got lost in this broken-hearted girl questioning what love really was.  I had a dream of what it would be like.  I had proof of what it shouldn't be.  I didn't know what exactly it was or what it would be like.  

I still don't.  I have come to the conclusion that I won't know what that true love feels like until I've found it.  And I have a feeling that it will be better than anything I could dream up.  Which really excites me. Until this time, I have glimpses of that true love in the people around me. 

I can think of many couples who when I see them, I just know.  You can see the love when they look at each other.  You really can feel it when you're near them.  it's like it eminates.  But most people think I'm crazy for thinking this.  

This week I watched a woman I care a lot about, a woman who was basically my 5th mother in high school, kiss her husband's coffin before it was lowered into the ground.  This is honestly one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed.  This woman has been in my life for 10 years and for all of them she has spoken of her husband with the highest amount of love and respect.  They really were best friends, even after 39 years of marriage.  

If that is what happens when you truly fall in love, I can wait for it.  I want people to look at my husband and I and go "whoa.  They're in love."  I want people to feel it in the room.  Just like I always have with the wonderful couples in my life who I look up to.  I want it to last to the very last day.  

Switchfoot's got it in Yet: "If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love.  No, if it doesn't break your heart, it's not enough."

Song of the Moment: All For Love by Lady Antebellum (I've come to realize a lot of things in the last 3 and a half years.  I understand clearly now what was so dark to me then.  It was all for love)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity. 
1 Timothy 4:12

Is it Ironic?

Today in chapel we were talking about love and fear.  To say it in one sentence, the whole point was that if you have fear, you cannot fully love.  

We were encouraged to think about what we're afraid of.  What mountain stands in the way of love?  She gave us a moment to reflect.  It shot to my mind immediately.   
Here is the part that is potentially ironic: The thing that I am most afraid of is also one of the things I want most in life.  

I know I've always been afraid of it, I just always thought someone would come and save me from it.  Now I realize that it's up to me.  In order to fully love I must climb the mountain, but I'm fully willing to take the hike as long as you're waiting for me at the top.  

Song of the Moment: Ironic by Alanis Morissete (I actually don't really like this song.  As my English prof says "The ironic thing about Ironic is that none of it is actually ironic.")

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  
1 Timothy 4:12

Beef-let

To pursue, or not to pursue?  That is the question.  

This question has been surrounding me quite a bit the past months.  It seems to come up all the time amongst friends.  You like a guy but what do you do about it? 

What do you do when you like a guy and want it to be known...so desperately?

Alyssa Bethke wrote a genius blog about this very thing.  You should read it because she is much wiser than I am.  

I agree with her and her husband: I want to be pursued, I don't want to pursue.  I believe this is my place and this is what a God written love story looks like.  We ladies should be offering up our hearts to the Lord and entrusting them to Him because He is better at all this stuff than we are. 

Here's the rub: this is terrifying.  Waiting is terrifying.  When he looks at me, are we thinking the same thing?  When we talked did he feel the same things I felt?  Does he see the same things I see?  Does he see me?  Have I crossed a line?

During my "boy fast" and growth since then, I have always known I wanted to be pursued.  In one of the last Christy Miller novels when her and Todd are (finally) serious, Todd tells her how much he appreciates that she let him take the lead and pursue her in his own time.  I've always wanted to hear that, I just never realized it would be so hard.  

"In thy orisons, be all my sins remembered." Or as No Fear Shakespeare puts it: Please remember me when you pray.

Song of the Moment: I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  
1 Timothy 4:12

Austen Dreaming

Emma Woodhouse (from Emma by Jane Austen) is a character who finds herself dreaming up scenarios and situations from time to time.  Dreaming of what could happen in the future and what she would do about it. My English professor asked if any one finds themselves doing that sometimes.  

No one answered.  No one said a single word.  

The truth is, I do that all the time.  I don't like it sometimes because I find that I get caught up in these scenarios that aren't real and may never be close to being real.  But I always catch myself doing it anyways.  I guess I'm a dreamer through and through.  

I just thought I would let you know, that when she asked that question...
I looked around the room.
I closed my eyes.  
I looked up
and I thought of you.  

Song of the Moment: The Scientist by Coldplay (You don't know how lovely you are)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  
1 Timothy 4:12