All For Love

The other day I was going back into the archives and reading some of my older blog entries.  I got lost in this broken-hearted girl questioning what love really was.  I had a dream of what it would be like.  I had proof of what it shouldn't be.  I didn't know what exactly it was or what it would be like.  

I still don't.  I have come to the conclusion that I won't know what that true love feels like until I've found it.  And I have a feeling that it will be better than anything I could dream up.  Which really excites me. Until this time, I have glimpses of that true love in the people around me. 

I can think of many couples who when I see them, I just know.  You can see the love when they look at each other.  You really can feel it when you're near them.  it's like it eminates.  But most people think I'm crazy for thinking this.  

This week I watched a woman I care a lot about, a woman who was basically my 5th mother in high school, kiss her husband's coffin before it was lowered into the ground.  This is honestly one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed.  This woman has been in my life for 10 years and for all of them she has spoken of her husband with the highest amount of love and respect.  They really were best friends, even after 39 years of marriage.  

If that is what happens when you truly fall in love, I can wait for it.  I want people to look at my husband and I and go "whoa.  They're in love."  I want people to feel it in the room.  Just like I always have with the wonderful couples in my life who I look up to.  I want it to last to the very last day.  

Switchfoot's got it in Yet: "If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love.  No, if it doesn't break your heart, it's not enough."

Song of the Moment: All For Love by Lady Antebellum (I've come to realize a lot of things in the last 3 and a half years.  I understand clearly now what was so dark to me then.  It was all for love)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity. 
1 Timothy 4:12

Is it Ironic?

Today in chapel we were talking about love and fear.  To say it in one sentence, the whole point was that if you have fear, you cannot fully love.  

We were encouraged to think about what we're afraid of.  What mountain stands in the way of love?  She gave us a moment to reflect.  It shot to my mind immediately.   
Here is the part that is potentially ironic: The thing that I am most afraid of is also one of the things I want most in life.  

I know I've always been afraid of it, I just always thought someone would come and save me from it.  Now I realize that it's up to me.  In order to fully love I must climb the mountain, but I'm fully willing to take the hike as long as you're waiting for me at the top.  

Song of the Moment: Ironic by Alanis Morissete (I actually don't really like this song.  As my English prof says "The ironic thing about Ironic is that none of it is actually ironic.")

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  
1 Timothy 4:12

Beef-let

To pursue, or not to pursue?  That is the question.  

This question has been surrounding me quite a bit the past months.  It seems to come up all the time amongst friends.  You like a guy but what do you do about it? 

What do you do when you like a guy and want it to be known...so desperately?

Alyssa Bethke wrote a genius blog about this very thing.  You should read it because she is much wiser than I am.  

I agree with her and her husband: I want to be pursued, I don't want to pursue.  I believe this is my place and this is what a God written love story looks like.  We ladies should be offering up our hearts to the Lord and entrusting them to Him because He is better at all this stuff than we are. 

Here's the rub: this is terrifying.  Waiting is terrifying.  When he looks at me, are we thinking the same thing?  When we talked did he feel the same things I felt?  Does he see the same things I see?  Does he see me?  Have I crossed a line?

During my "boy fast" and growth since then, I have always known I wanted to be pursued.  In one of the last Christy Miller novels when her and Todd are (finally) serious, Todd tells her how much he appreciates that she let him take the lead and pursue her in his own time.  I've always wanted to hear that, I just never realized it would be so hard.  

"In thy orisons, be all my sins remembered." Or as No Fear Shakespeare puts it: Please remember me when you pray.

Song of the Moment: I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  
1 Timothy 4:12

Austen Dreaming

Emma Woodhouse (from Emma by Jane Austen) is a character who finds herself dreaming up scenarios and situations from time to time.  Dreaming of what could happen in the future and what she would do about it. My English professor asked if any one finds themselves doing that sometimes.  

No one answered.  No one said a single word.  

The truth is, I do that all the time.  I don't like it sometimes because I find that I get caught up in these scenarios that aren't real and may never be close to being real.  But I always catch myself doing it anyways.  I guess I'm a dreamer through and through.  

I just thought I would let you know, that when she asked that question...
I looked around the room.
I closed my eyes.  
I looked up
and I thought of you.  

Song of the Moment: The Scientist by Coldplay (You don't know how lovely you are)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.  
1 Timothy 4:12

Often Forgotten Awesomeness

Do you know what I take for granted so often?  Just how AWESOME God is.  Sometimes I forget, which of course sounds terrible, but it's true.  Every once in a while something will remind me just how awesome He is when I am silly and forget.  

Just think about it.  You don't have to do anything special to talk to God.  You can be sitting in class, laying in bed, watching TV, in the shower and you can call on Him.  Nothing fancy.  No special ceremonies.  Nothing.  Just you and God chatting, wherever...everywhere.  

Not only can you talk to Him whenever you want, but He has your life in total control.  No, it definitely does not always feel like it.  I'll admit, sometimes it feels like my life is in complete shambles (don't believe me?  Just go further back in this blog.  Messy.).  I have come through every single little thing better and stronger and more faithful than I was.  That is so awesome.  

Finally, to summarize this all beyond belief, I didn't have to ask God to do any of this for me.  He just does it.  Because He loves me that much.  Even though sometimes I am kinda rude to him, and sometimes forget about his awesomeness, and sometimes I only call on Him when I think I need Him (even though I couldn't survive without Him), and sometimes I just suck.  He is there.  No questions ask.  I'm never alone because He is always there and that is the most comforting thing on the planet.  He sent His son to die for me even though He knew what a mess I would turn out to be.  

Awesome.  Awesome.  Awesome.  If you don't believe me, I really think you should try Him on for size, because you know what, whether you like it or not He is with you right now.  No seriously, he is sitting right next to you, looking over your shoulder, reading this blog He knew I was going to write before I even started writing it.  He is here.  He cares.  And you don't have to ask politely for Him to help you out (although it would be nice).

Song of the Moment: Awesome God by Rich Mullins (My God is an Awesome God who reigns from heaven and earth with Wisdom, Power and Love.  My God is an Awesome God.)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity.  
1 Timothy 4:12

Night-Time Drives

My favourite time to be driving in the car is at night.  It seems more peaceful.  I feel like there is more beauty to see looking out the windows.  This proved to be true on Friday night.  

I was driving with Tony, the youth guy at my church, on our way home from a Jennifer Jade Kerr concert in St. Catharines.  Driving on the 403 looking out the window over the lake I could see a city (as I was later told it was probably Toronto).  It was lighting up the sky so beautifully.  Near the horizon it was a dark purple and the sky above looked like a huge black cloud.  

It took my breath away.  My description probably sucks and a picture could never have captured the beauty of it.  But aren't those moments, those indescribable moments, some of the best?  They keep me going.  

The beauty of God's creation is unimaginable.  It is beyond explanation.  How cool is that?

Song of the Moment: There's A Stirring by Jennifer Jade Kerr (off her newest album which I finally purchased on Saturday so obviously I listened to it all the way home)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. 
1 Timothy 4:12

That Feeling

Do you know that feeling you get a concert?  It's not about how well you sing, it's about how loud you sing.  All you want to do is scream the lyrics as much as loud as you can.  It's freeing.  

I just spent my evening rocking out to Starfield with two of my younger cousins.  It was their very first concert.  They didn't even know any Starfield songs.  They screamed their first screams.  They clapped theif first high claps.  And they jumped and fist pumped for the very first time.  The thing that was most worth it though was the smiles on their faces.  

Tonight was awesome.  It was freeing.  It was beautiful.  

Song of the Moment: Burn For You by Starfield (I'll burn, burn like a fire.  I'll burn, with love and desire.  I'll burn, I'll burn for you.)

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12