"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
Something has come up in my life, a choice, and I don't know what to choose. If God has placed this into my life, it will have good outcomes. Right? I can see the chance of prospering, hope and a future but I can also see impending harm. I just need to decipher if this is something God wants me to do or if this is something God just wants me to pass by. Not a chapter in my book, but a page. The problem is: I can't figure it out.
"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. The Lord works out everything for his own ends - even the wicked for a day of disaster...In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
Proverbs 16: 3-4, 9
A part of me wants to give up. Stop thinking so much about it. Stop making my brain hurt. Just stop everything and live my life and hope that God will push me in the right direction. I want to take every burden out of my head put them in God's hands, along with my heart, and have him put them down exactly where they should go. He knows where they belong much better than I do.
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21
As of this moment, I think I know where my heart is in all of this. Right now I can imagine the outcome of everything, but I wonder, does that mean I am completely wrong? I have had my heart set on so many things in the past and then have God come and change it all. I am basically sitting here waiting for God to change my heart, which is causing all the brain pain. Either my heart is already in the right place or it isn't and I just cannot figure it out.
So, today I am going to say a little prayer. I pray that God will point my heart and my legs and my arms and my mouth and my everything in the right direction. I pray that through this no one gets hurt. I pray that His plans will become clear to me. And I pray that in the end, I will have done everything according to His will. Amen.
Song of the Moment: Awakening by Chris Tomlin (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljr6lqu2-ec)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A Long-Winded Toast
A lot can change in a year. Even more can change in 2. It's a new year. Another New Year's Eve has passed. This year I spent it with my oldest brother, playing numerous games and beating him at few. Last year when midnight struck, tears sprung out of my eyes because I missed something that I was so happy to have. In the years time since then, I have lost what those tears were for, but I shed no tears today.
This was quite the year. Big decisions. New Friends. New School. Bravery. Love. Loss. Growth. It had it's high points and it's low points, but I wouldn't change any part of it. I have grown so much more in this year than in any other year of my life.
The other day I was thinking of resolutions I would make for this new year. One of the ideas I had was to go on a date. In the last 24 hours I have decided against this resolution. I know that my last few blogs have been about love and how I want it, but I have realized something. The more I pray for love, the more I want love, the more desperate I will become. Desperation is not something that I want to come. I want to date someone because I like them, not because I am desperate.
So, this year, I am saying goodbye to desperation. I am saying hello to patience and living my life in a God pleasing way. Yesterday night, in the midst of playing our games, my brother said "When you are a Christian, you just know." This is something that he now denies, but he said it and it got me thinking. Someday God is going to put an amazing man in my life and I am just going to know. I'll know he is 'the one.'
A few years ago a friend of mine was telling me about how his friend was sure he was going to marry his girlfriend. At this time he was 17 and they had been dating for about a year. They got married today. Which is just so amazing to me. When I think about this, all I can say is "I want that." Just knowing after such little time, at such a young age. I want that feeling of knowing. It is just so amazing to me.
I read a book over the summer about a woman who picked up, moved towns and started to plan her wedding because she said God told her to. I should mention this woman was not engaged. She didn't even have a boyfriend, but God had even given her a date for the wedding. So she planned her wedding. It wasn't until 3 days before her "wedding day" that she realized it wasn't going to happen. On that day she accepted her singleness and entrusted her heart to God...she got engaged 3 days later on what she thought was supposed to be her wedding day.
Now, I'm not saying that I expect to have a vision from God and then get engaged 3 days later. The point I was trying to get at with that story is that if I accept my singleness, perhaps than God will send me someone. Desperation is not the way to get what we want. So, I will accept living my single life. Even if that means I will spend Friday nights at home in my sweat pants or my next New Year's with my brother again. I am okay with that because I love sweat pants and I love my brother.
So, here's to living the single life God has given me at this point in my life. I'll toast to that.
Song of the Moment: Before the Storm by The Jonas Brothers Feat. Miley Cyrus ("They always say a heart is not a home without the one who gets you through the storm.")
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
This was quite the year. Big decisions. New Friends. New School. Bravery. Love. Loss. Growth. It had it's high points and it's low points, but I wouldn't change any part of it. I have grown so much more in this year than in any other year of my life.
The other day I was thinking of resolutions I would make for this new year. One of the ideas I had was to go on a date. In the last 24 hours I have decided against this resolution. I know that my last few blogs have been about love and how I want it, but I have realized something. The more I pray for love, the more I want love, the more desperate I will become. Desperation is not something that I want to come. I want to date someone because I like them, not because I am desperate.
So, this year, I am saying goodbye to desperation. I am saying hello to patience and living my life in a God pleasing way. Yesterday night, in the midst of playing our games, my brother said "When you are a Christian, you just know." This is something that he now denies, but he said it and it got me thinking. Someday God is going to put an amazing man in my life and I am just going to know. I'll know he is 'the one.'
A few years ago a friend of mine was telling me about how his friend was sure he was going to marry his girlfriend. At this time he was 17 and they had been dating for about a year. They got married today. Which is just so amazing to me. When I think about this, all I can say is "I want that." Just knowing after such little time, at such a young age. I want that feeling of knowing. It is just so amazing to me.
I read a book over the summer about a woman who picked up, moved towns and started to plan her wedding because she said God told her to. I should mention this woman was not engaged. She didn't even have a boyfriend, but God had even given her a date for the wedding. So she planned her wedding. It wasn't until 3 days before her "wedding day" that she realized it wasn't going to happen. On that day she accepted her singleness and entrusted her heart to God...she got engaged 3 days later on what she thought was supposed to be her wedding day.
Now, I'm not saying that I expect to have a vision from God and then get engaged 3 days later. The point I was trying to get at with that story is that if I accept my singleness, perhaps than God will send me someone. Desperation is not the way to get what we want. So, I will accept living my single life. Even if that means I will spend Friday nights at home in my sweat pants or my next New Year's with my brother again. I am okay with that because I love sweat pants and I love my brother.
So, here's to living the single life God has given me at this point in my life. I'll toast to that.
Song of the Moment: Before the Storm by The Jonas Brothers Feat. Miley Cyrus ("They always say a heart is not a home without the one who gets you through the storm.")
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Friday, December 31, 2010
My Own Solla Sollew
July 1, 2008
Do you ever feel like you just can't do anything right? Like no matter what decision you make it'll be the wrong one. There are pros and cons to both sides but you have to decide if the pros will be enough for the cons. Will it be worth it?...How do we know? And once we know, where do we get the courage to go after what we want? Our hopes and our dreams are only an arms length away. But how do we get the courage to reach out and touch it? When are we going to be brave enough to wrap our fingers around it and never let go. I thought I was close, but I wasn't. Someday I'll figure it out. And when I do, I'll hold on tight and never let go.
I wrote that 2 and half years ago in a notebook I kept. I think that was pretty wise for my not even 16 year old self. I have changed a lot since I wrote this, but some things remain the same. I still question the decisions I make. I still wonder if I am brave enough to go after what I really want. I am still trying to figure it out. I still want to find it, whatever it is, hold on tight and never let go.
The 'it' I am referring to is love. How do you know what love is real? And where do you find it in the first place? I am searching for it, praying that God will help me find it (sooner rather than later).
Recently, I have thought of this great love I will never let go of, as my future home. It is my Solla Sollew. I have a picture in my mind of how I think it should be. Everybody else has thrown in their 2 cents on how they think it should be, but I am sure it is going to be a surprise. That seems to be the way God likes to do things in my life. I know that when it happens though, I'll know. And when I know, I will never let go. I will stay in my Solla Sollew forever.
I've had so much trouble finding my way there. When I get close, it disappears. If I can get there I'm going to stay there. If it takes me miles. If it takes me years...Sooner or later I'll find it. Sooner or later I will be home, in Solla Sollew. With you.
Song of the Moment: Sollaw Sollew by the Cast of Seussical the Musical. (I'll be home with you) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0U4MUG-twtU
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Do you ever feel like you just can't do anything right? Like no matter what decision you make it'll be the wrong one. There are pros and cons to both sides but you have to decide if the pros will be enough for the cons. Will it be worth it?...How do we know? And once we know, where do we get the courage to go after what we want? Our hopes and our dreams are only an arms length away. But how do we get the courage to reach out and touch it? When are we going to be brave enough to wrap our fingers around it and never let go. I thought I was close, but I wasn't. Someday I'll figure it out. And when I do, I'll hold on tight and never let go.
I wrote that 2 and half years ago in a notebook I kept. I think that was pretty wise for my not even 16 year old self. I have changed a lot since I wrote this, but some things remain the same. I still question the decisions I make. I still wonder if I am brave enough to go after what I really want. I am still trying to figure it out. I still want to find it, whatever it is, hold on tight and never let go.
The 'it' I am referring to is love. How do you know what love is real? And where do you find it in the first place? I am searching for it, praying that God will help me find it (sooner rather than later).
Recently, I have thought of this great love I will never let go of, as my future home. It is my Solla Sollew. I have a picture in my mind of how I think it should be. Everybody else has thrown in their 2 cents on how they think it should be, but I am sure it is going to be a surprise. That seems to be the way God likes to do things in my life. I know that when it happens though, I'll know. And when I know, I will never let go. I will stay in my Solla Sollew forever.
I've had so much trouble finding my way there. When I get close, it disappears. If I can get there I'm going to stay there. If it takes me miles. If it takes me years...Sooner or later I'll find it. Sooner or later I will be home, in Solla Sollew. With you.
Song of the Moment: Sollaw Sollew by the Cast of Seussical the Musical. (I'll be home with you) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0U4MUG-twtU
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Love
There is one thing that most girls dream about from a very young age: Their wedding day. As you get older and closer to it it becomes so much larger in your brain. You think about it more and more seriously. This all comes from one thing though, falling in love.
1 Corinthians 13 is an amazing chapter. All of it, I love it. But, for me, verses 4 through 7 "hit home" the best with The Message translation.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Those last five lines get to me every time: "Puts up with anythings, trusts God always, looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end."
Recently, I have learned a lot about love. What it takes. That it isn't just sunshine and butterflies. It is hard work. It involves frustration and commitment and sacrifice. It can hurt you and make you feel on top of the world. It makes you weak in the knees and headstrong. It changes your life in a second.
If there is anything I want in life, it is a deep love. First, with God. And second with the man that God places in my life, whenever He places him in my life. I want the deep love you can see in people's eyes after years of marriage. The kind of love where you fall in love deeper and deeper everyday, even after being married for 20, 30, 40 years.
Until this love comes for me, I am perfectly happy where God has placed me. I will remain happily single until God gives me the green light for that boy. Whether he be "the one" or just another life-changing relationship. Until that day comes, I will pray everyday that I don't become a bitter, depressed, lonely woman. Although, He does already know that all I want for Christmas....is you.
Song of the Moment: Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath (This song is beautiful. Just beautiful. I have been listening to it for weeks just waiting for it to spark a blog and hear we are today. You should listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nQy-aP_Koo)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
1 Corinthians 13 is an amazing chapter. All of it, I love it. But, for me, verses 4 through 7 "hit home" the best with The Message translation.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Those last five lines get to me every time: "Puts up with anythings, trusts God always, looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end."
Recently, I have learned a lot about love. What it takes. That it isn't just sunshine and butterflies. It is hard work. It involves frustration and commitment and sacrifice. It can hurt you and make you feel on top of the world. It makes you weak in the knees and headstrong. It changes your life in a second.
If there is anything I want in life, it is a deep love. First, with God. And second with the man that God places in my life, whenever He places him in my life. I want the deep love you can see in people's eyes after years of marriage. The kind of love where you fall in love deeper and deeper everyday, even after being married for 20, 30, 40 years.
Until this love comes for me, I am perfectly happy where God has placed me. I will remain happily single until God gives me the green light for that boy. Whether he be "the one" or just another life-changing relationship. Until that day comes, I will pray everyday that I don't become a bitter, depressed, lonely woman. Although, He does already know that all I want for Christmas....is you.
Song of the Moment: Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath (This song is beautiful. Just beautiful. I have been listening to it for weeks just waiting for it to spark a blog and hear we are today. You should listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nQy-aP_Koo)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I'll Be Home...Someday
Tonight as I sat in the car on the way home from my little sister's Christmas program, watching the country fly past, Michael Buble's I'll Be Home For Christmas came on the radio. It was beautiful but it got me thinking.
They say that home is where the heart is. And so I sat there, watching the snow covered fields fly by, trying to figure out where home was. And more importantly, where my heart is. And the answer that I came up with is this: I really don't have any idea.
I know that God has his hands wrapped tight around my heart, but I'm just not sure where exactly. I'm still not sure where my life is going. As I prepare for one of the loneliest Christmases I have ever celebrated, I feel as if I am still just wandering trying to find the right direction to head in. I am a nomad wandering from place to place looking for somewhere warm to settle.
Someday, I know I will find the home my heart is looking for. Until then I'll be their only in my dreams and trusting God with everything in me. I know that someday I will be able to sing that song from Madeline "Home is where the heart, if your heart is there, it's home."
Song of the Moment: I'll Be Home For Christmas by Michael Buble (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t_forzHXzE)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
They say that home is where the heart is. And so I sat there, watching the snow covered fields fly by, trying to figure out where home was. And more importantly, where my heart is. And the answer that I came up with is this: I really don't have any idea.
I know that God has his hands wrapped tight around my heart, but I'm just not sure where exactly. I'm still not sure where my life is going. As I prepare for one of the loneliest Christmases I have ever celebrated, I feel as if I am still just wandering trying to find the right direction to head in. I am a nomad wandering from place to place looking for somewhere warm to settle.
Someday, I know I will find the home my heart is looking for. Until then I'll be their only in my dreams and trusting God with everything in me. I know that someday I will be able to sing that song from Madeline "Home is where the heart, if your heart is there, it's home."
Song of the Moment: I'll Be Home For Christmas by Michael Buble (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t_forzHXzE)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
A Moment of Shame
Today was a great day: I finished my last exam, You've Got Mail was on TV when I came home from school, and I ate Kings Buffet for dinner...for Free!! Sounds like a pretty good day right? Well, those parts were, but my hearts still feels heavy. Heavy with sin.
Today as I sat at a table in school I watched something happen that I should not have watched. I wasn't participating, which I thought was good enough, but it wasn't. It was not good enough.
I came to my senses after about 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours too long. Someone else in my class came up to our table saw what was going on and walked away. About 5 minutes after that he came back, looked me in the eye and said "You know better than this. You shouldn't be sitting at this table. You should be running from evil."
It hit me like a freight train. Shame washed over me as I realized what I had been doing. I wasn't participating, but I wasn't saying why. I could have gotten up, made a bit of a scene to show people I thought, no, knew, it was wrong. I could have done something. And yet I did nothing. I did nothing. I just sat their in my shame and in my sin.
I may have come a long way so far in this journey I have been venturing the past 2 years, but I still have a lot farther to go. That is what I realized today. I pray that God will forgive me for what I did this afternoon and that next time, if it ever happens again, that He will give me strength to get up and walk away without caring what the others think. I pray that God would grant me strength in this world full of sin. I pray that next time, I will do more.
Song of the Moment: The Motions by Matthew West
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Today as I sat at a table in school I watched something happen that I should not have watched. I wasn't participating, which I thought was good enough, but it wasn't. It was not good enough.
I came to my senses after about 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours too long. Someone else in my class came up to our table saw what was going on and walked away. About 5 minutes after that he came back, looked me in the eye and said "You know better than this. You shouldn't be sitting at this table. You should be running from evil."
It hit me like a freight train. Shame washed over me as I realized what I had been doing. I wasn't participating, but I wasn't saying why. I could have gotten up, made a bit of a scene to show people I thought, no, knew, it was wrong. I could have done something. And yet I did nothing. I did nothing. I just sat their in my shame and in my sin.
I may have come a long way so far in this journey I have been venturing the past 2 years, but I still have a lot farther to go. That is what I realized today. I pray that God will forgive me for what I did this afternoon and that next time, if it ever happens again, that He will give me strength to get up and walk away without caring what the others think. I pray that God would grant me strength in this world full of sin. I pray that next time, I will do more.
Song of the Moment: The Motions by Matthew West
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
The Final Update
Here we are. What would have been my 3 month update after my world "fell to pieces" as I described it a month ago. I told myself for as long as it hurt I would update on the "anniversary" of my pain. Well, guess what, I don't need to update you. I actually didn't feel anything was necessary after what I wrote on Monday.
Life is back on track. But, then again, maybe it was never off track in the first place. Those 3 months of sorrow and heartbreak brought me so much closer to God. They made me reach out and find a new place for myself. I am so glad that I did.
While my life is hectic and full of long days at the moment, I can't help but smile. I can't help but say I am fantastic. I can't help it. God has been so good to me. Too good to me. And yet here I am happy as a clam. Our God is an awesome God!
Song of the Moment: Our God by Chris Tomlin (LOVE this song)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
Life is back on track. But, then again, maybe it was never off track in the first place. Those 3 months of sorrow and heartbreak brought me so much closer to God. They made me reach out and find a new place for myself. I am so glad that I did.
While my life is hectic and full of long days at the moment, I can't help but smile. I can't help but say I am fantastic. I can't help it. God has been so good to me. Too good to me. And yet here I am happy as a clam. Our God is an awesome God!
Song of the Moment: Our God by Chris Tomlin (LOVE this song)
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
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