Just What I Needed

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
and earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73: 21-26

Song of the Moment: It actually isn't a song today. Here is the brilliant Rob Bell. Inspiring. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IinYDR92gBM (thank you for showing me this Danielle).

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Thankful?

So I sit here on Thanksgiving Monday of 2010 after the hardest thanksgiving I have had in years. After the loneliest thanksgiving in years.

As I stood on the beach on Saturday night after my walk, Sufficient (Jennifer Jade Kerr) playing in my ears, I watched the sky turn dark. I stood there feeling the loneliest I have felt in a very long time. I stood and stared. I couldn't move; I didn't want to. And all I wanted was someone, anyone, to come and put their arm around me and give me a hug. Anyone would have done the trick, even a stranger. That is just how desperately lonely I was.

I walked up the beach and through the roads on the annual thanksgiving walk, surrounded by almost twenty people but still unbelievably lonely. I sat down to a delicious meal yesterday night with about 15 other people but still felt like I was sitting there all alone. This is not to say I wasn't in good company, because I was. My family is great; their was just something missing.

In the past I have had a peace at thanksgiving. I had many things to be thankful for and it would be all I could think about. This year I have a gaping hole of uncertainty. This hole has consumed me for months now. I would love to get rid of it. To fill it. I am just not sure how to do that right now. Well, I think I do, but right now I am not trusting my own instincts: I am trusting God's.

Anyways, that is enough of that. Onto the positive. What am I thankful for this year? It seems like a tricky question right now but I have to answer it in order to give me some pep. So here it goes:
1. I am thankful that school is going well. College seemed like a really scary thing but I am surviving. Actually, not only that, but I thought I would be really stressed and I am not. It takes a lot to get me stressed and I thought college would do it...it hasn't. So I thank God for bringing me to this school. I also thank Him for my easygoing, unstressed nature.
2. I am thankful for the courage God has given me. The courage I have needed to put myself out there and do what I wanted without the fear of what people may think of me. It feels good. :)
3. I am thankful for the friends who have supported me the past few months. Without you I may still be curled up in my bed eating ice cream 24/7.
4. I am thankful for ice cream. It's good stuff.

I can't think of anything else but I think my list will suffice. It is not quite what it was 2 years ago, but right now life is not quite what it was 2 years ago.

Song of the Moment: Need You Know by Lady Antebellum (This song came on the radio yesterday while I was playing cards. It was yet another reminder of the hole that I have.)

Do not let others look down on you because you are young, but set and example for the unbelievers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

New Look, New Me

Lately I have been sad and bummy to an unhealthy extent. Not only have I realized this but my friends have noticed this as well. That is how I know that this is bad: my friends have noticed. Usually I am much better at hiding these things. So, today is the day for change.

First off, in the past my blog has been dark and depressing. Even with what I thought were Happy Yellow titles. Those just were not cutting it. So, what is better then daisies. I love Daisies. "Don't you think they are the friendliest flower?" (You've Got Mail...wonderful movie). Now when you read this you can be uplifted by the happy daisy even if I am in one of my moods.

Speaking of my moods, I plan to have less of them. I am usually the optimist in life. Time to bring out. Let it shine. Like the sun! And the sun is a very happy thing, so that will work.

My brother wrote a blog yesterday (muffinsrsweet.blogspot.com) that got me thinking. He reflected over the past 5 years. What he wanted then and what he has now. 5 years ago he was 18, just like I am now. So, here it is, kind of my mini time capsule of what I want in 5 years:

School: Done at Conestoga. Maybe on to something else, but honestly by the time I am 23 I want to be working and making money to save up for.....
Relationship: The amazing boy/man I am going to marry. (so that money is for the wedding). Ever since grade 7 I have been saying I want to be married by the time I am 23. Yes, I know, you think I am crazy. So did Mrs. Marshall when I told her as my 12 year old self. So do most people. But that is just fine with me. That gives me plenty of time to have babies and then they can have babies and I will be a grandmother and hopefully a great-grandmother!! Oh the dreams I have. Now, let me be clear and say that I will not rush anything. If I am getting married, trust me, I know I should be getting married. If I am 23 and still single I will not run out into the street and marry the first guy I see. Don't worry. I've got it covered.
Job: I want something that has to do with working with youth. In what aspect I am not really sure, but right now that is my dream.
Dream: My dream has always been married with kids, living in a house with a porch and swing in a small town and a red dodge caravan parked in my garage. *sigh* I can't wait.

So hopefully that will be me in 5 years. Another thing to keep in mind, something I have been reminding myself a lot about lately: Not my plan, but God's plan. I think I have a great plan but maybe He doesn't think it's the greatest for me. Only time will tell. Right now, honestly, the best I can do is live a day at a time. Or maybe a week at a time.

But just you keep reminding yourself of that. Not your plan, but God's. Maybe you have the right plan, it's just 15 years to early. In this case: In God's time, not yours. Be patient and He will give you what you need. God may work in mysterious ways, but His way is the best way.

Song of the Moment: My Savior, My God by Jennifer Jade Kerr (Honestly, this woman is amazing. You should listen to her. She is so honest and sings of such truth it is just amazing. I love her. Thank you God for Jennifer Jade Kerr. Seriously.)

Do not let others look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Take My World Apart

Today I ask God to take my world apart. I am asking Him to take my world apart and rearrange it the way He wants. Maybe some pieces will stay the same, but maybe some will move. I know what I want for me but I don't know what God wants for me. So, God, it is completely in Your hands. Just show me the way.


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart.

Take it apart God. Take it apart. I trust you. I am Yours. Take me apart.

Song of the moment: Worlds Apart (Live) by Jars of Clay. (those lyrics in the middle is this song by the way. So, thank you Jars of Clay for that)

Do not let others look down on you because you are young bet set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

Today I Pray...

That the sun will continue to shine.
That I can speak what's on my mind.
That God will give me the strength that I need.
That absense truly does make the heart grow fonder.
That I will be thankful for what I have.
That I will not want more than God has given me.
That I will follow the path God has given me.
That I will know the difference between what is on my path and what is a distraction beyond it.
That God will give me everything I need.
That God will be enough.
That God will be sufficient.

Song of the moment: Sufficient by Jennifer Jade Kerr. I have been listening to it non-stop for about 3 weeks. It is beautiful and honest.

Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an exampe for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

What A Day

Today has been quite the day. And I am only half way through and I can feel myself slowly moving downhill.

I have so much stuff jumping around in my brain. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I should do something...even though there might not be anything I can do.

The Lord is my strength. I can feel Him. I just don't know where He wants me to go. I don't know what to do right now. I don't know what He wants me to do right now. I need to figure it out.

Jesus loves me. No matter what I have done. No matter what I am doing. He will forgive me. The same goes for you as long as you will let Him. You'll feel a lot better.

You can't change the past. There isn't anything you can do about something that has already happened. However, you can try to do better in the future. You can set your sin aside and look to Him. He'll send you to the right place. So try. Try to do better. Try to be better.

When you're head says "Don't do that." Don't. When it tells you "This is wrong." It probably is. I believe that isn't even you telling yourself: it's Him. The one who knows better than you. The one who makes your life's path. You should follow Him. He will lead you where you need to go.

I promise.

Song of the moment: Everything by Lifehouse

Do not let others look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

I'll Be Here

I've always been really bad at staying connected with people. Friends have been constantly leaving my school since grade 3 and we've always said we've stayed friends...but 90% of the time we don't. And even the ones I am still friends with it's nothing like it used to be.

I would say I blame myself. I seldom picked up the phone or sent an e-mail. But neither did they. This is just the way it has always seemed to go with me.

But lately I've been realising how much I miss all my friends. Really old, old, and fairly new. I miss them. It's not the same with out them. My new friends are nice...but they're much different then my old ones. They don't break out into song. Or mock our teachers. Or can have conversations with just facial expressions. I miss having that everday.

But guys. I'm still here. It doesn't matter who you are I'll always be your friend. I'm not one to give up on a person. If it ended badly, I hold no grudges. If anyone else is feeling a little lonely or sentimental, I'll keep you company and reflect on old times with you. I'll be here if no one else will listen. I'll always be sitting right here. No matter who you are.

Song of the moment: If No One Will Listen by Kelly Clarkson

Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12